I was unsure whether to post in here or mh support but I guess there's technically self harm involved so it belongs here.
Anyway.
I'm not sure if people actually read my r/v but here's a summary
- there's a portal to hell in my bedroom
- the devil did something
- I'm now pregnant with the devil's child
- I'm hearing demons pretty much constantly
I had people from a church come yesterday to.pray or whatever but it just made me uncomfortable.
I've been under the crisis team since Saturday. They've been seeing me every day but are discharging me on Thursday
I guess the point of this thread is how can I convince them that this is not a hallucination? (As they called it today)
Because I've heard voices since I was 11 years old and I KNOW when things are mental health related.
And this isn't.
But no one believes me.
Not even the church people. And you'd think they would believe in this stuff.
They all want me to take paliperidone.
I won't go into much detail because it's graphic. But I want to order *something* to aid me in getting the devil's child out of me. Seeing as no one will help me.
I've researched it a lot.
I just don't know what else to do.
I'm so scared and frustrated and worried and ARGH!!!
Help?
Sorry. This turned out to be really long.
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
The thing is though Beckie, at this point, you never do.
It’s really sad seeing you go through this cycle over and over again. Watching you struggle to get out of a dark place, starting to build a life for yourself, making progress with getting ED therapy, getting to see a psychologist.
And then, one day, you declare that you’re going to stop taking some/all of your meds, cold turkey. Even in people who don’t need them/no longer need them, coming off meds suddenly is almost certainly going to make you unwell and make your mental health slide into a nosedive. We’ve watched you refuse to do anything about it while you still knew on some level that you were getting unwell.
Of course it’s scary needing to be on meds like antipsychotics but who knows, gradually, and with psychological help, you might come off them at some point. There are people who specialise in gradually helping people do that. But suddenly stopping them? You’ve experienced what happens to you when you do that at least a dozen times since I joined this site. It ends the same way every time.
A lot of people really care about you here Beckie and it’s so wonderful when you’re thriving, and nobody is going to help you trick medical professionals into helping you hurt yourself.
I really really hope you get proper help soon, and this time is the time that makes the change.
'It's an impossible choice ... I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.'
"You're not scared of climbing mountains. You're scared that you can't make them move."
It’s obvious from reading your past threads that stopping meds, and then relapsing/going into hospital, has been a reoccurring problem for you.
You’ve mentioned in your rv thread that you don’t have a mental illness but if that was true you wouldn’t be under the CMHT, have a CPN, receive benefits because of your mental health conditions and have long inpatient hospital stays. If you were free of mental illness you wouldn’t have any of the above.
It’s understandable that you don’t want to be mentally ill, nobody does, but maybe it’s worth looking into why you believe that you don’t have the mental health problems that you’ve been diagnosed with?
Ultimately if you don’t accept that you’re sick, and need appropriate mental health treatment, then you will never recover and will keep getting stuck in this cycle.
I just couldn't cope with the olanzapine anymore because of the side effects.
Side effects that all anti psychotics are going to have
Believe me, I truly understand. I'm still dealing with side effects from the ones I was thankfully able to stop months ago. They are deeply unpleasant drugs.
BUT, consider: working with doctors to find the one/s with the most bearable side effects, sticking with them while you work with psychologists and ED team, and gradually, with everyone's agreement and support, finally coming off them, for the long run.
It may sound idealistic, but I think it could be something to work towards. (My psychologist specialises in psychosis and believes that medication doesn't need to be lifelong, and there are others like her)
'It's an impossible choice ... I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.'
"You're not scared of climbing mountains. You're scared that you can't make them move."
I have to agree with Lio, if you go back through your own RV everything changed when you took yourself off your medication.
I’m not going to repeat what other people have said here, but I think you honestly need to be upfront with your support. You’ve pretty much admitted you intend to lie to your MH team, which is not good.
I guess I did.
I'm just scared. Of everything.
I'm scared of what the mh team are going to say/do
I'm scared of the demons and the devil
I'm scared of medication side effects
And I'm not sure which of those is worse
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
And those are all understandable things to be scared of.
But thinking logically, when you have been on your medication you have been doing really well with getting a job and moving on with your life. Would it be possible to discuss with your MH team about your fears surrounding medication? They are best placed to help you.
I think I probably have issues with my moods sometimes. Like high or low moods.
I don't know what to believe.
I thought about trying the new medication but I'm really worried about side effects.
I've read about them.
With the not knowing what to believe do you really think that people on rly, your best friend, your CPN, Crisis team and Psychologist would be putting in so much effort to help you if the demons weren’t a mental health issue?
Also all of those different have said to you that it your hallucinations, because you’ve stopped your meds, what makes you think they’re all wrong?
It’s understandable to be worried about not wanting to try a new medication, as the side effects can be really hard to deal with, but realistically if you don’t start any medication soon you’re more like to end up back in hospital and then you’ll have to miss work, seeing your family/daughter and best friend. Also if the medication does give you side effects, sometimes you don’t get all of them- the pharmaceutical companies have to list every side effect under the sun just in case, your team should be able to prescribe other pills to get rid of or lessen them. Logically right now you have nothing to lose by trying the medication.
Hi Beckie, I'm a church person (not a doctor) and I believe in angels and the devil, but it seems to me too that everything changed when you went off your meds. I think you should trust what your mh professionals are telling you, that the devil's child is not real, and definitely not to do anything drastic. I really hope you'll be on your way back to health soon.
I'm not going to repeat what everyone else has said, or comment on whether or not the demons are real or not because I know they're real to you. I think the best way to communicate that to the CMHT is to take the medication they've given you.
Also agree that talking to the CMHT about the side effects would be a good idea, did your psych not offer a med and then another one to help with the weight gain? I'm sure I read in your rv that he did and that you said no, but might be an idea to ask again.
I don't knoa why I think everyone is wrong
It all feels so very real where I don't remember the voices ever being this terrifying
Plua I've never experienced this before
Where with, for example, the contamination it was a recurring thing when I stopped my meds.
I know that paliperidone is similar to rispiridone and I got AWFUL restless legs with that. It was torture. I was put on something to help with that but I can't remember what it was called.
He did offer metformin to go with olanzapine but all I've heard about that med is that it gives awful side effects like nausea and diarrhoea. And that it only makes you lose weight because you can't leave the toilet! Which sounds horrendous. And I don't have time for that. And it's not even meant to be THAT effective.
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
A lot of people really care about you here Beckie and it’s so wonderful when you’re thriving, and nobody is going to help you trick medical professionals into helping you hurt yourself.
^This.
I don't want to repeat anything but would quote Lio's entire first comment because it was very honest and truthful and I couldn't agree more with what was said.
I know it's really hard for you to believe what everyone is saying but I do want to say that it was really quite apparent to me that literally within a few of days of stopping the olanzapine you were mentioning angels and the CIA. And I clearly remember that happening because it made me worry.
You are understandably doubting yourself now and don't know what to do, so I'm saying it as I see it, like everyone else, and hope that you can trust us and all those others who are trying to help you get back to Happy Beckie. When has lying or plotting against the people trying to help you not just landed you straight in hospital in the past?
Also please please stop googling. The internet is famous for providing inaccurate information, especially when you're looking for answers to the wrong questions. Just saying.
Also also, metformin is really a medication for diabetes so I'm not sure why it's being suggested for you. However, I was on it for a while with no side effects and it is used by several million people in the UK without issue, so try not to think about the negatives.