Help with family and neglect.

Jerodaymes · 07-03-2021, 09:56 PM

Hello fellow humans! I hope you guys are doing well

. How to find a way to start this lol.. So I have a big family, a total of 8 full blooded and 2 half. So 22ish years ago our parents died, they both suffered heart attacks for different reasons. They died about 1.5 years from each other. Sounds like ages ago now. After that event most of we went to live with our grandma in new Mexico. Was definitely weird...they were also griefing but in different ways. We were told that we stressed our parents out too much so that's why they died. I know now that they were just upset. A tad mean to say to kids so young, but over the years I learned to forgive them and myself. So later on that year our relatives in texas wanted us because they said they could provide us with a better life. We also came with money on us. Since both our parents died we got social security about 300-500 per kid. The math adds and it was like a gold mine. So, our aunt from texas ended up getting custody. They didnt seem to have much when we moved their. But shortly after they got a big house and lots of cars. They never really treated us like family. Mostly felt like a side wheel burden most of the time. But not at the start hehe. They showered us with love and a opportunity of a new life. It was hard to resist hehe. It didnt last long though. They told us that we had a good life before with our parents and now it's their turn. I remember just wanting to sit and watch tv with my aunt and getting booted upstairs while her kids stayed down. And they would go out to eat while we were home with our uncle. We ended up rebelling and talking about the issues that we were facing but only ended up being prisoners in a room. My brother nathan and I used to get grounded for the whole summer for talking back. If we showed signs of having fun she would ground us more. Because you cant have fun making up games in your room as a kid ��. We usually lost toys and sometimes reading material. This had a huge psychological effect on my brother nathan. He was way more rebellious than I. While I would never talk to my aunt about serious things for the fear of being grounded or giving her ammo, my brother took a much different approach. He talked back and ended up getting kicked out and sent to our oldest brothers in Washington. They sent him alone on a bus at 12 years old. At that point I started to struggle. Losing a brother and watching our aunt split our family up. At the age of 15 I tried to end my life. Suffering from depression and not being able to find meaning in life. At the age of 17 I boarded a plane without my aunt knowing and moved to washington with my brothers. Everything was good until I started maturing more and noticing behaviors in my family. My brothers are now neglecting their children in different way than my aunt. Have you ever noticed when your having a conversation with someone who is off in their own head? Like they are not really paying attention. Well my brothers are suffering from this and ended up marrying controlling wifes. Just like my aunt and my mom. I've watched my brother mental health fade over the years. And I see the neglect in their children. Almost the same way I felt just in different ways as a child. My mom used to beat us when we were kids and we had rules and responsibilities. But my brothers didn't want to treat their kids like our mom treated us. So he did the opposite. So no responsibility or rules. And spoiled them every step of the way. Now he's suffering from his actions. But recently he's been behaving more like his wife. He's been lashing out in anger over little things. Like if he's playing a game he will completely ignore his kids and I can hear them in the background fighting for attention and affection. He will sometimes not even respond which reminds me of my aunt. I've tried so many times to talk to them about this in the nicest way I could for like 11 years now. The reason this is so long is because i dont want people to view him as evil. So it needed context. I seen my aunt as evil for a long time. But in order to move on I had to forgive. But I'm not sure what my choices are for this. People usually view my family as weird because they dont get personal with each other. Very materialistic and the need to show off is huge. But their emotional level is very very low due to malpractice. If you've made it this far, thanks for listening. I would love to hear stories as well so please dont hesitate to ask questions or give input. Much love to everyone and be kind to those you think are bad people. Because they're suffering in many ways.

Astrov · 09-03-2021, 07:21 AM

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Jerodaymes · 09-03-2021, 07:00 PM

Thanks for the response. You pretty much nailed it in the head. So his wife has been freaking out about covid at the moment. So we are not aloud to go over and talk with them. So the only way to talk to the kids is trying to play minecraft. The whole family is on lockdown since covid. That includes going outside. They have probably gone out like 3 times in a year. So the kids just play video games most of the day. And sadly they live across the street from me. She even uses the ring app to see if I'm outside with my brother. But even when he's outside he only talks about things he bought. He will just splurge it before his wife brings him inside. So I'm never able to break past that point very often. When I start having conversations about therapy he rejects it immediately saying it's not worth the money. Even though he's addicted to compulsive spending. He really has never been able to develop mentally since our parents deaths. He was like 15 years old. While his wife suffers from anger issues and neglect issues as well. She ends up treating him like a child because the way he acts. So it's a very tricky combo. Almost like the devouring mother syndrome from Carl young. She will sit outside when he comes out and makes him uncomfortable so that he goes back inside. Even if we are wearing a mask. But she was like that before covid in a smaller way. But now I'm worried about the kids. The 4 year old and the 13 year old are behind mentally by years. Their speech doesnt improve because no one talks to them. I've tested this out with the youngest with saying heavy weird words like escalator and she says it perfectly. Just no one talks to them. When I used to come over all the kids would hover over me because i was paying attention to them. But while it's nice to be loved it hurts to see what's happening to them. And his wife doesn't like that. She sees me as a threat because of it. I was able to calm the energy in the house from before covid. But I think in a way that was me controlling his wife. Because if people fought I would say something and calm them down. But my brother ends up hovering me as well because he gets no attention from his wife. Almost like he's still a kid. No offense to him. Because I care deeply about all of them. Things started concerning me recently with his 4 year old daughter. Shes been having nightmares about her nails being ripped off and dieing. She started talking about what happens when you die at 4. Her anger issues have gotten worse over the years. They all came out one day and she wanted to show me her dance moves. So I watched them and cheered for her. Her mother said her shoes were on backwards and grabbed her arm and pulled her back. She then was fighting to get back while her mother held her. Then my brother complained about his wife being mean to her, while their daughter was screaming. She wouldn't stop. Then I stared in her eyes and slowly watched them change and she stopped crying. It just breaks my heart to see this. Because I feel like I can do nothing about it. And I have to watch it happen, so that's why I'm here. To find a path forward to help my family move on.

Zurg · 10-03-2021, 08:39 PM

I admire your determination and willingness to help your brother's kids and him and his wife as Well but i Think it might just be too huge a task for you alone. Ultimately, when the parents suffer, the children suffer as Well. It worries me that they Seem to have almost given up and while you can do a lot just by being there, the kids still have to fight off their own demons without the attention and help from their parents.

I Think you need to speak to someone about this. I am unsure where you could go and whom to contact in this situation. But my first idea is asking, are you and your brother religious? And belonging to a church? Sometimes there is help to be found there. Or at least someone who is willing to listen and give some advice. I find in my country that priests generally have a good understanding of most issues and Will know where to go for help if they don't offer anything specific themselves.

Keep talking here. It's good to have a place to voice your concerns and maybe someone Will have an idea where to look for some help.