It's been a long time but things are getting bad

[one_step_closer]

If you still feel vulnerable and scared would any form of self soothing help? You deserve kindness from yourself and others. What would you want to talk through with the helpline?

[long road]

I have my cuddly animals with me to help self soothe a bit. I should try more exercise alike grounding or Meditation to try and calm my system or get me in the present which is safer than the past. I think I would want to talk about being afraid and about the fact they are shouting to run and hide and that I feel lost. But it would have to be the 'right' person.

[one_step_closer]

I understand needing to talk to the right person. How would the right person respond?

[long road]

It's partly a fear / trauma thing. When I am like this I don't feel as comfortable talking to men. There is one man who works on the helpline I know well who is calm and safe I might be able to talk to but other men would just make me shut down more. And then it would be kindness and calmness and helping me find myself and work out what I want what they want is that the same thing or different. And if what I want isn't safe how can I keep me safe because a part of me does want to be safe.

[one_step_closer]

How was your night? How are you today?

[long road]

Took me a long time and lots of different strategies but eventually calmed myself down. I talked to helpline, did more grounding and another visualisation and listened to music. Unfortunately although managed to calm my concious mind my unconcious mind still didn't feel safe and ended up having a load of seizures when I tried to sleep. And I was scared enough still I had to sleep with a light on

Still scared and struggling today. But was brave and texted my therapist like she said I could between sessions if needed.

[long road]

Had a phone call with my therapist. Talked about the parts of me coming up to trying to protect me. They are trying to help but don't realise it's not helpful. I am feeling scared and little and just trying to soothe the kid part of me. Let her know we are safe.

[one_step_closer]

Well done for reaching out to your therapist. Are you managing to look after yourself?

[long road]

Sort of. Being gentle with myself. But haven't done all the self care things today. Just stayed in bed cos bed was safer and been with cuddly animals. Just having a chip shop tea.

[one_step_closer]

If that's what you need then that's ok. It's still self care. You don't need to have a list of things that you must achieve.

[long road]

I mean I have OT graded routine stuff and I haven't even managed the lowest level of that today so I kind of do have a list I have to do. Plus not having done things like brushed hair or teeth.

Done meds and eaten is about all I have managed. Might try some grounding or a meditation later see if that helps settle me again. Feel a bit on the defensive / panicky again.

[one_step_closer]

Do you really need to focus on doing routine stuff if things are so difficult that you need to be looking after yourself more basically? It's not the end of the world if you miss out things sometimes. I hope today is better for you.

[long road]

The stuff is pretty basic on the most baseline bit of routine. Be awake by 10am and don't go back to sleep until lunchtime. Have curtains open for natural light until lunchtime. Stretch when getting up to use bathroom. Do at least 1 breathing exercise. It gets steadily more demanding and the idea is I try and do at least the above but on a better day can try to do a step up from those.

Today still fragile and scared/ anxious but not quite as bad. Stil feel a bit on the younger side and keeping my cuddly animals close. Had my duck in my coat pocket when went out to get jabbed. Been out of bed from when woke up until I went out for COVID jab. Just come back to bed to rest now.

I get what you mean about being gentle focusing on the most basic things sort of thing though.

[one_step_closer]

Well done with what you've managed today. I hope as more time passes you will start to feel more settled within yourself.

[long road]

Today (Thursday) was a harder day again. Was in touch with my emotions rather than shut off from them some of the time and had a good supportive chat with my brother but emotions are hard and scary and I was dealing with a lot of fear still.

Fireworks tonight kept startling me making me flinch try Nd hide. On edge / hyper vigilant.

[Elmer]

You're being super brave with confronting things in therapy, and hopefully the intense and painful times will gradually fade and life will be so much better for it. I don't really know what to say but I keep up with your thread and see how you fight so hard every day. I hope things get easier for you in all aspects. You deserve a life with fewer struggles.

[long road]

Aww shucks so nice of you to say Lio. I don't feel brave but I do try. Less struggles would be amazing. Scared to hope too much in case my health lets me down again. But am trying to make the best of where I am at.

Still afraid but not giving in to fear. I actually told my brother about trauma that happened when I was a kid yesterday (well when we were both kids but only happened to me).Not details but it's something no-one in family knew. It felt good to have it not secret. I don't want to tell my parents as they would blame themselves for not protecting me. Also my brother gets emotions better and is more supportive

[one_step_closer]

I'm so glad your brother is a good person for you and you were able to talk to him. It must have taken a lot to be honest about something that no one in your family knows about and I'm glad that you feel a bit better for it.

[long road]

We have been getting better at communicating with each other and being open emotionally. It helps that he has been going to therapy for the last 6 months or so as it has given him a better understanding of mental health stuff and led to some more open/ supportive conversations. I do wish he lived closer though I miss seeing him in person (he lives in mainland Europe around a 1000 miles away).

Looking forward to therapy on Monday and getting an opportunity to talk things through more with my therapist.

[one_step_closer]

That's a shame he lives so far away but good that you stay in touch. Do you get to see him in person much? That's positive that you're looking forward to therapy, I can hear that it's doing you some good. I hope that you don't feel so vulnerable afterwards this time though or you can at least look after yourself ok.