Pain got bad which is what made me start dissociating I think and then it was kind of a rollercoaster ride from there. Still nervous about therapy and going over it all. Next week is first therapy appointment Monday, GP appointment Tuesday.
You've got all your usual stuff to deal with plus thinking about therapy, no wonder you're feeling a bit strange and overwhelmed. What goes through your mind when you're thinking about therapy?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Lots of my history so childhood trauma stuff, hospital stuff, other stuff. Basically the fact I will have to go other everything again with new therapist. And that even though I can tell she will be good about boundaries and not pushing me stuff tends to spill out. And I have been having various flashbacks.
Today I felt like someone was going to hit me like physically felt it and flinched from a blow that never came.
In my head. In my past. Feeling like the scared vulnerable kid that is still inside me.
I'm in a bit of a similar place myself with going through past things. It's distressing. It's not long till you start therapy so hopefully the therapist will help you find ways to talk through things but not ruminate too much after sessions.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
First therapy session tomorrow. Nervous but a tiny bit hopeful. Still not expecting it to help straight away although just having a space to talk each week could help even without processing trauma which is my eventual goal.
Think it will be a little easier once had first session and I know more of what to expect. Got good vibes on phone call but obviously a session is different.
Trying to work out the best way to look after myself after the session. Any suggestions?
And trying not to stress too much in next 22 hours. But also not to bottle up the feelings about the things I probably have to talk about at least in broad strokes for the assessment bit
Last edited by long road : 22-09-2024 at 02:40 PM.
Good luck with tomorrow. I guess it will be difficult to begin with but I hope you click with the therapist and feel safe discussing things and it starts to be useful for you. Maybe writing things down after the session would be useful. What is safe and soothing for you that you could do for a while afterwards? Also try not to be alone if you are distressed afterwards.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I think I will meditate before the appointment to help settle my nerves and ground myself. And planning to spend time with my partner afterwards so I am not alone. If I get dissociated during the day I will try and ground straight after session.
Not sure about a nice thing to do as will likely be quite tired after the appointment. Maybe a treat for lunch?
Session went pretty well. Feeling a bit fragile now though. Was basically me explaining what I wanted help with and giving a brief history of mental health and traumatic things and life in general.
Have set medium term.goal of.making hospital less scary by dealing with the medical trauma. Haven't ruled out longer term work but think it's important to have a goal/ direction and then reassess whether to continue after working on the initial one.
Then history wise laid things out in pretty broad strokes, I think in some ways it was harder because of touching on lots of things. Going into detail on one traumatic memory/experience will of course be hard and probably more emotional than today. But I will have time in session to open the metaphorical box, take the memory out and sort through it and then put it away and close the box. Rather than today where I didn't have time in session to deal properly with the memories that I mentioned briefly and so I am left trying to deal with them now. To continue the metaphor today was more like opening one box to peek at memory and leaving the first box lid slightly ajar as I moved onto the next box, and the next and so on.
Next week we are going over the questionnaire about dissociative experiences and looking at creating a safe space I can use when I get distressed in sessions.
Well done for what you managed to communicate. I hope you're ok and managing to look after yourself. It's good that you have some plans and goals and creating a safe space is such an important thing to do.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm glad the session went well, it takes a lot of bravery to start something like this, and to open up. I hope you can start to work towards your goals and make things feel a bit more manageable.
'It's an impossible choice ... I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.'
"You're not scared of climbing mountains. You're scared that you can't make them move."
So don't really know where to start. A lot of it is in my RV. But things are getting on top me a bit. Have a chest infection and asthma is flaring so taking steroids and antibiotics. And steroids are making things confusing and fast and hard to hang on to. And possibly making me hallucinate.
Also making some positive progress with neuro rehab and routine plans. And am a month into therapy and already it's brought up some feelings and past memories. And revelations about myself and my symptoms and history. And therapist seems a safe person and we are taking things slow and doing grounding in sessions but it's still hitting pretty big.
So yeah if that made any sense I would appreciate input on any of it
You've got a lot going on right now. I'm glad therapy is a positive thing now despite of course having to face up to some difficult things. I think you're doing great managing all this. It can't help with having both physical and emotional stuff to deal with at the same time. Have you spoken to your therapist about how you could make it a bit easier to deal with things in between sessions? Keep reminding yourself that the hallucinations etc are most likely due to the meds, sometimes knowing the explanation can help a bit. I hope you get through the course of meds and they are helpful and then some of the stuff that's going on can settle at least.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Trying my best to manage. Does feel like I am spending a little less time in 'survival' mode and a little more in 'living' mode than I would in the past when things got overwhelming. Like maybe my resilience/ strength is building slightly. Think its partly because therapy is helping me be in more in touch with my emotions and so although experiencing the emotions can be hard I get a bit less distressed as I not letting them build up quite as much/ shutting down and dissociating from it all as much.
Good idea to talk about therapist and coping between sessions. We have talked a little about what techniques I use to cope. And she has said that I can reach out during the work week if I have a big thing come up after a session and we can message a bit or do a short phonecall or even an extra session if needed. I am just only starting to be comfortable with messaging her outside of sessions but I did send her a text on Wednesday letting her know I was ill and might not be able to do our session on Monday and also sharing a little how being ill was triggering my medical trauma. So if it's a big thing contacting her is an option. But could to discuss ways to cope with medium to small things.
I sent her my coping techniques flow chart this week as when I mentioned it existed in session she asked if I was comfortable sharing it with her and I decided I did. Maybe I could discuss the chart with her in our session and see if we can add to it?
Chart is something I made to help identify what thing I am struggling with (mental or physical health) and break down that thing and what helps best. Made it cos I noticed was getting frustrated when partner was asking what was wrong and how he could help when I was struggling because that was too big of a question and was too overwhelming. So this breaks down the most common things I struggle with (pain, fatigue, dissociation and general mentla health) and lets partner and me see what strategies might help. When I am really overwhelmed I just point to what is wrong rather than having to find words.
Hallucination stuff calmed down last night after taking my olanzapine as part of my nighttime meds. Today was last day of steroids and I think I feel well enough not to need to extend the course. Wil check in with 111 if that changes/ I start to feel worse when steroids wear off tomorrow. Last day of antibiotics is tomorrow. Bit zoomy / agitated this evening but don't seem to be seeing stuff.
Last edited by long road : 26-10-2024 at 08:36 PM.
It sounds like you are doing really positive things to help yourself and to work through therapy. And to be seeing some progress already is really great. It's definitely better to try and work through emotions as soon as they come up instead of pushing them away and maybe ending up dissociating and coming out of that to be confronted with a huge and powerful emotional ball. I get that it's hard to tolerate emotions sometimes though. I'm glad you feel more able to get in touch with your therapist outwith sessions if needed. Your coping techniques flow chart sounds very useful, well done with coming up with it! It might be good to talk through it will your therapist to see if more things could be added to make it an even more beneficial tool for you. Definitely check in with 111 if you need to. I am so proud of you.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Didn't manage to talk about coping stuff last week or this week. Although last week she recorded the light visualisation we did together the week before and that I found helpful, so have that audio to help ground outside of aessions. We ran out of time to do grounding together this session as I fell apart towards the end so I played the audio and followed along after we finished And she emphasises importance of grounding after session so think that's probably what she thinks is best way to help me cope.
Maybe will discuss adding things with her to coping flowchart maybe not. Have already had a few ideas of my own to add to it. So it maybe better rjust to focus on adjusting based on my own experience as an independent thing.
Today's session was really hard got some big emotions out and proper sobbed at one point. The voices got briefly involved as well when they felt emotion wasn't safe and to mention about self harm. The lack of control / agency from FND was one bit that got me emotional as well as some childhood stuff that is part of why emotion is scary. Because show a reaction emotional or otherwise always made things worse for me back then.
Going to try and keep grounding although part of me wants to self harm to deal with feelings that I have shit down/ to get some control/ to shut voices up.
You can get through this safely, keep trying all the safe things that you find useful. Therapy is so difficult but can also be so helpful. Does your partner know how things are for you right now? Maybe you could try and stay around him as much as possible. Is there something nice you might like to do?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Thanks so much for replying Lindsay. I know things aren't easy for you either right now.
Overall it's helpful but sometimes s it hits hard. Let out emotions that come from a very vulnerable place and kind of find it hard not to stay in that vulnerable scared little kid place having been on touch with it.
Partner was aware earlier, don't think he is aware that t am still struggling this much and he is busy cooking our dinner right now. Trying to decide if I think calling local helpline would help or not.
