It's been a long time but things are getting bad

[one_step_closer]

It's usually good to talk and share what you're going through with someone. I hope you have managed to call or will call and get to speak to someone who leaves you feeling heard.

[long road]

Haven't managed to speak to anywhere. Might call somewhere after dinner there is a lot in my head but not got a lot of energy.

I watched the new linkin park livestream and interview. And had a nap. So passed the afternoon safely.

[long road]

In the rollercoaster that is Jen trying to find a therapist. Therapist number 2 has said she could start online from week after next and asked if we can have a call on Monday to work out if she is right person for me and discuss my needs. So that is happening. I did want to try face to face but at same time all my therapy with neuropsychologist was over video chat and I found those sessions very helpful.

[one_step_closer]

I hope you can give it a chance. It sounds like things could be happening quite quickly. I think I'd need more time to prepare. How do you feel about it all?

[long road]

I feel like if I think she is the right person after call/ first session then it doesn't matter that it is moving quickly. I am a bit nervous but it's kind of good I won't have too long to be anxious about it.

In a lot of pain today so have a asked day so far in bed. Been napping whenever painkillers get the pain low enough

[one_step_closer]

Yeah there are definitely some pros for things moving quickly. Keep us updated if that's ok. Have you got your cuddly toy family looking after you today?

[long road]

I have got lots of my cuddly toys in a snuggly bed nest, have Ducky and Roary lion and Popcorn duck and Mammu mammoth and Ted. They are helping quite a bit by comforting me. Painkillers are helping but even stronger stuff isn't getting rid of pain just dialling it down a bit. Grinding em down spending a while day in pain.

Call is at 1:30pm tomorrow

[one_step_closer]

Will anything else safe help with the pain since the stronger painkillers have only done so much?

[long road]

Sometimes heat helps but am pretty warm already so don't fancy using heat packs. Might try my TENS machine in a bit but some if the bits that hurt it isn't safe or isn't practical to use TENS on. Just taking things as easy as possible and trying to gently distract my Brian from the pain.At least with stronger painkillers sit gets to a level where I can sort of ignore it. Without them it's the only thing I can think about a f I am writhing around and screaming. So better than it could be

Stil am finding it hard. Hard to stay positive when you are in pain. And hard not to think about self harm.

[long road]

So had phonecall with potential therapist and it went well. I think she could be a good fit after the call and she seemed to think she could help. Our first session is online in 2 weeks time.

[one_step_closer]

I'm glad the phone call went well and you think she is a good fit for you. I really hope she can help you to address the things that are important to you. Again, well done for taking this step.

[tamobhuuta]

Sorry I haven't replied before. I have been reading and sending general positive vibes. I just wanted to say how glad I am the call went well, and I hope the therapy helps! See you in general...

[long road]

Thanks Lindsay and Tamo. I am hopeful that she will be able to help. She can't fix the physical things that make my life hard of course but she can help me dela with them and with the trauma stuff hopefully.

[long road]

Feeling really scared and vulnerable today. Like someone or something is going to get me. Want to hide.

Trying to self soothe but struggling to convince myself I am safe.

[one_step_closer]

Can you try to look at how you are feeling inside and remind yourself that these are just feelings and that you have had them before and that you are actually likely safe? There's nothing going on like someone trying to get into your house or anything is there? Hiding is ok though. Have you told your partner how you're feeling?

[long road]

Partner is out getting milk and bread from shop he should be home soon as the shop isn't very far away.

I think the problem is they are feelings that were true in the past. And part of me is back there.

I am scared

[one_step_closer]

How are you getting on now? I think it would be good if you could talk things through with someone.

[long road]

A little better did manage to talk to a helpline earlier.

Still more on edge/ vulnerable but less stuck in the past and feeling like someone is actually coming to get me.

[long road]

I might be losing it.

Last night was weird proper dissociated. Doing stuff but feeling like I watching not doing. Voices shouting. Tripping on my own brain

[one_step_closer]

Can you think of anything that might have triggered it? How have you been today?