It's been a difficult few days. Have self harmed Saturday Sunday and in the early hours of today. Only minor stuff and I avoided cutting but was damn close a few times. Before Saturday it had been about 4 weeks since I had harmed in anyway. Still haven't cut which makes it 12 weeks without cutting but doesn't feel much of a victory when I am still harming just in less serious ways.
I am feeling really low. And finding it hard to take actions to help myself. Not enjoying stuff, usually music helps so I have been listening but it hasn't lifted my mood at all.
Meditated and it took me from agitated and low to just low. Which I guess keeps me safer but it's a black hole kind of low dragging me further down.
I rang helpline and left a message as I couldn't get through.
Been talking to my partner a bit. But again things that usually help are harder to try and don't seem to help
I'm sorry things are especially difficult right now. Has anything happened to trigger it? I hate feeling in a dark hole, it's hard to get out of but not impossible. Keep doing the little safe things you can that might help. It's good that you have avoided cutting although I know it's not so good that you have been self harming in other ways. Maybe that's all you can do right now, maybe damage limitation will have to be ok in this moment. I hope the helpline get back to you soon and there are helpful.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Got through yesterday. Managed not to harm any more than I already had earlier in the day.
Helpline person yesterday was sort of helpful.
Just sent partner to bed as he was exhausted but that means I am alone now. Alone with my thoughts. He has been sitting worth me most of today to help me stay safe.
It seems like you need to find ways to cope with being alone. The self harm thoughts seem harder to deal with when you are alone and you can't always be with someone plus it's good to use your own strength too. Does anything make you feel less alone even if you are on your own?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Generally there is someone around (usually my partner) as need a carer for physical health reasons. For example there are days I can't make it to bathroom independently and at the moment I have non epileptic seizures nearly every day often multiple times a day so need someone about to take care of me when that happens.So although I spend quite a bit of my time alone in one room while partner is in another room of the flat.or in the garden I am rarely truly alone.
I am aware although this is something I need that it has made me not cope as well mentally at being alone and agree I find it harder to cope with self harm thoughts if he is out or asleep. I am working on being alone more as things are a bit better symptom wise than they were and I can be a little more independent. My partner goes out for a 45 minute walk every day now. And occasionally I do a few hours by myself when partner runs errands or visits a friend.
But last few days have been trying to spend a bit more of time in same room as my partrtner as when I am struggling more mentally being together helps keep me safe and often lifts my mood.
I distracted myself by doing the online food shop this afternoon and watching TV
It's good that you have your partner and also that you are trying to have some more time on your own while your symptoms are less. I think we all need to have a balance between being with people and having time on our own. I'd hate to think you wouldn't be able to cope on your own at all. Can you think of a reason why you're struggling more mentally recently? I know the whole triggered to self harm lots has been going on for a while now though. Any news about the support worker? Well done with doing things to distract yourself.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Think very recently mental struggle comes from concussion and having to go to hospital. But in general depressive patch don't know why.
No news on support worker yet
However just got a call from access and first response who are like 111 option 2 people/phone crisis team. One of the supervisors had been going over triage forms and noticed a pattern of me struggling recently / things going down hill and asked if she could refer me to CMHT. Was a bit reluctant at first as last time assessed and then didn't take me on but she persuaded me. She said she couldn't say what another team would do but it might bed different this time and even if they didn't take me on they might be able to chase support worker.
So yeah been referred back to CMHT. Not entirely sure how I feel about it.
I am unsure because I don't want to get hopes up just for them to assess me and not take me on again. And because I am worried if CMHT do take me on it will just be onto another waiting list and that it might mean I can't see the support worker from charity. Because they feel gap between primary and secondary care so if I am under secondary care I might not be eligible anymore.
I would love more support. Just not confident a referral to CMHT will actually get me that.
Just saw my GP about asthma / breathing stuff primarily but also mentioned mental health. Had a really good chat, felt a bit bad when I left because it turned out I was in there for 40 minutes! But I really need someone to listen and he dictated a letter while I was there to chase asthma team.
I know you've been all over the place with trying to get support and the CMHT haven't been very helpful. It seems like the supervisor person thinks it's a good idea to refer you though.
I'm glad you managed to have a good chat with your GP both about your asthma and your MH. It's always nice to feel heard and that action is being taken.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Yeah but people are never pessimistic when they want to refer you somewhere. Although when I pushed back and asked did she think CMHT would actually do something this time she did say she couldn't guarantee what another team would do. But she thought it was worth a try.
GP said maybe supervisor was reviewing triage requests because they have had an incident recently. Which is a sobering thought. Still as he said good they are putting the referral into CMHT as they are part of same trust so CMHT might take it more seriously than coming from him.
Having a lot of intrusive thoughts about harming and suicide. Struggling to cope with them and starting to believe maybe they are right and I should d those things.
Have been trying not to engage with them but have found myself imagining acting on them.
Not helped by fact FND and dissociation have been bad last couple of days.
Any advice for dealing with intrusive thoughts? I have been trying the mindfulness style acknowledge it's there and move focus onto something else / don't engage with it but not having much success
You're usually pretty good at distraction, right? Is it harder to distract right now because of FND and dissociation? Can you find even a tiny thing you can focus on that is external and not your thoughts? Have you spoken to anyone about what's going on? Sorry for all the questions. Remember that thoughts are just thoughts and these ones just can't be 'right' if that makes sense. Harming yourself is not the best thing for you. You have got through things like this before and I'm sure you are strong enough to do it again no matter how much of a struggle and distressing it is.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Usually pretty good at distracting yeah but you are correct that dissociation makes it harder to focus. FND symptoms can make it hard to focus too but also they restrict what I can do as a distraction.
High pain levels today which means harming and pain is more on my mind.
I can vaguely focus on videos on YouTube. And wasted some time on you tube shorts earlier. But it feels like aI am just passing time rather than enjoying anything.
I briefly spoke to charity helpline yesterday about the intrusive thoughts. Haven't spoken to GP or NHS urgent mental health helpline thing. And I do not have any mental health support other than GP.
Thing is I was in a lot of pain on Saturday night and ended up harming to dela with pain while waiting for painkillers to kick in and it did help me cope. Managed to harm in a way that did very minimal damage. So in that niche situation it help and so it makes the thoughts that it is helpful / right seem more convincing. I guess it's a slippery slope though and in the end I am causing myself.more.pain which isn't good.
You are right I have been through it before. I.can deal with it. I am just tired of dealing with it.
How are you today? I understand the feeling of just passing time rather than enjoying things, it makes things a lot harder. Is anything coming up that you can look forward to? What kind of charity runs the helpline if you don't mind me asking? Are they good with MH stuff? I can see where you're coming from with harming to deal with pain and if it helps then you will be tempted to keep doing it but you may need more and more. Of course you are tired of dealing with all this, you deserve a proper break. I wish things would get easier and continue to be ok.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Yesterday went ok. Managed to call helpline and use it to help get my head in gear and break me out of the thought spiral. Then I had a shower, spent some time with my partner and later spent evening playing board games with our friend M. So started the day in a struggle but managed to get out of it and take some enjoyment out of it.
My brother is visiting this weekend which I am looking forward to. Although in dark moments I am getting annoyed that him visiting get in the way of acting on my thoughts. Because there isn't space for the potential fallout from acting on the ones of running away or harming or whatever.
Charity is a mental health charity that runs a crisis cafe and helpline locally and in some other parts of England. As well as other support services but they don't run any of those in my area. More emotional support than clinical but they are good with MH stuff and they have employees rather than volunteers so know it be more.
Almost harmed last night but convinced myslef to try and sleep and if didn't sleep in x time could harm and I fell asleep.
I'm glad you took steps yesterday that helped to with how you were feeling and you managed to do some enjoyable things. Can you remind yourself in future that doing things like this if you're able can actually help? Or if you can't do as big things try to think of smaller but similar ones. I think sometimes we get stuck about what action to take so do nothing but continue to listen to our thoughts. Taking the first step can be hard but helpful. It's good that the charity is there for you to call. I'm glad you fell asleep rather than harming last night. I hope you would have found another way to manage if you hadn't fallen asleep. I hope you can have a nice time with your brother. Although the darker thoughts are there good company is definitely preferable to acting on them. Really.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I got pretty close to acting on suicidal thoughts last night. More details in my RV.
Still have the stuff I was thinking of using although have made it slightly harder to get to.
Tried telling partner and managed to say I almost did something but not that it was suicide related, implied self harm. And haven't managed to tell him about the stuff and get help to get rid of it.
Sorry to hear what happened. How are you now? Why did you feel unable to be completely honest with your partner? It's really important that someone knows what's happening so they can support you and your partner is the one who is actually around you most.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Managed to sleep last night rather than spend the night awake and distressed like the night before. Less of an impulse to act on thoughts this morning will see how the day goes.
It's a very difficult thing to be honest about. Because of feeling guilty about how it I did do it it would hurt him. And because of part of me not wanting to be stopped if I decide its what I need to do. I managed to mention suicidal thoughts have been bad, but still have the stuff for plan and haven't owned up about that or got rid of it.
