I will try and hold myself off of self harm. Already discounted acting on the suicide plan until I know how this appointment has gone. And not actually feeling suicidal this morning which is weird but good.
It's 2 weeks or so since I last cut. But have been biting or scratching myself most days. Often with biting or scratching I find myself doing it without deciding just act on impulse without the thinky part of my brain getting involved.
I am really worried that psychologist will say I am too unstable to do any psychological therapy right now. And that he / his team wouldn't be comfortable managing risk alone. OT said something that suggested this was a thing and she works in multidisciplinary team with neuropsychogy. Which would mean definitely no therapy with him and that I won't get to be put on a waiting list for EDMR until I have CMHT support of some kind or get things sort of under control on my own.
Still haven't got a date for assessment with CMHT. And even if they assess me who is to say the waiting list for a care co-ordinator/CPN wouldn't be at least 12 months. I waited nearly that long for care coordinator under this CMHT in my first year at uni and that's 12 years ago, not like services have got better since then...
Still trying to remind myself not to predict the future and stress about what may or may not happen (which is easier said than done). I have to think short term right now and just try and get through appointments, communicating my probelms and needs the best I can. Keep reaching out for support. Try and advocate for what I think would help most. And most all try and survive.
It feels like there is a lot riding on this appointment. But I don't want to fall apart if it doesn't go the way I hoped.
I can understand the feeling of putting all your hopes onto an appointment and worrying about the outcome. I really hope you get at least some of what you need. Sorry, I'm low on words but good luck. Please look after yourself whatever the outcome.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
It went better than I could have hoped will explain more in another post as I am now completely exhausted.
But yeah went well, some helpful discussion on coping techniques and some discussion / planning around future care from both FND and mental health perspective. Going to talk to psychologist again on Thursday 16th November.
My old therapist/ psychologist human proved that
he is the best therapist human I have ever had. He was so easy to talk to even after not talking for ten months and he gets me and how my mind works. And he really cares.
Bless him he was off sick from work and didn't go into the office but still called me.
He said with my permission he will try and use one of their regular multi disciplinary team meetings to get the teams involved in my care to work together. The FND psychologgy service he runs, CMHT, psych liason, neuro rehab and potentially people from respiratory team.
Now usually I wouldn't put much trust in such a meeting between mental health people but i trust him and know he will be advocating for me and really trying to organise the best support for me both in community and for if asthma means I end up back in hospital.
I mentioned EDMR and I was right I am not stable enough for that right now. But he recognised that it is something I need and as part of multi disciplinary team meeting thing is going to liaise with CMHT to work out plan for getting me stable and the best service for me to have EDMR with. At our next phonecall on a couple of weeks I am going o mention waiting lists and say if it's CMHT providing can I go on list now and work at being stable in the mean time because waiting lists be long.
So yeah something I was afraid of happened in not ready for therapy right now but I am not being abandoned to CMHT and waiting lists either. I have someone in my corner who I trust to make sure I get right support. And with him involved I feel more confident I won't get to the point of being assessed and then told CMHT can't help
We also discussed coping techniques and turns out I had been using most of them just not always consistently. We talked about how there is a sort of hierarchy of coping techniques and how high up the list you should go depends on how much capacity you have / how much distress you are in. If you are very distressed or tired then it's best to focus on distractions for example.
With 1 being the most difficult and 5. the least.
1. Experiencing Feelings
2. Articulating Thoughts/ Reflecting
3. Anxiety Management (breathing exercises, muscle relaxation etc.)
4. Grounding
5. Distraction
Will try to. Having some complicated feelings today that I don't quite know what to do with. I put them in my RV because the thoughts about the feelings were very rambly.
But I am trying to work out if I want to call somewhere about how I am feeling conflicted about having decided against attempting suicide today.
It's ok to talk to someone, if you think it would help. I think talking generally helps but if you think it would only make things worse then of course please try something safer.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Coping a little better the last 2 days. I think having got through the day I planned to attempt suicide I am finding it a little easier to accept my decision not to kill myself.
Got SH urges yesterday but sat with partner and stayed safe. And we had a honest emotional conversation about how hard the last few months have been and emotional bits, and how he has felt like he had to hide his feelings so as not to upset me / add to my load. Was a very healthy conversation from a relationship perspective and reminded me how important communication is.
I'm glad you've been coping better and I hope you can continue to draw on your strength. I'm really glad you and your partner were able to talk honestly about things. You are both important to each other.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Earlier it was about wanting to self harm and I called first response about that and managed not to. But we got into some stuff at the end about my old suicide plan and that brang up some difficult feelings. So while I was less distressed than when I had called at end of call I was.a bit down. My RV probably explains that better.
I had a nap and woke up feeling like I was wasting my life and I am low and numb. I tried sitting with my partner and watching a funny tvshow but nothing is really cheering me up. Like show is making me laugh but still feel sad.
I'm glad you called first response but sorry in some ways it wasn't helpful. It's hard to feel sad, I know. Please be kind to yourself. The sadness won't always be so strong.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm sorry you ended up self harming earlier Jen, but glad you managed to stop pretty quickly and call someone which helped somewhat, and hope that the evening with your partner is calming and supportive. <3
Didn't tell partner about the self harm but I did tell them things has been hard mentally and being together helped.
I am worried about self harm become a regular thing again. I have only cut twice in last month once today and once 2 and a half weeks ago. But between that have bit and scratched myself and although I don't really count it that is self harm really. Person on a phoneline did point out to me I am still hurting myself so it counts.
In more recent times sh has been a rare thing. Never completely kicked it but gone on average 6 months between slip ups and the longest I managed was 2 years. But this feels like the start of a pattern. Especially as I now have multiple hidden tools around the house. But I don't want it to be a pattern
