It's been a long time but things are getting bad

[long road]

Unfortunately don't see him in person much. Last night I so wanted to give him a hug and was sad I couldnt. He visits UK once or twice a year and will stay with me for 3 - 4 days during that visit. I used to fly out to visit him once a year as well but havent been able to since 2019 as first there was pandemic and now FND and asthma means flying/travelling isn't currently feasible. We do video chat every 2-4 weeks though for an hour to two hours plus ad-hoc messaging in between (I get sent many cute dog photos!).

Even though therapy itself might be scary / session could have consequences it feels a positive thing. Though this last week have been rough between feeling vulnerable and the knock on impact on FND. I am learning things about myself and getting more in touch with my emotions. Have also noticed an increase in motivation and a reduction in non epileptic seizures. Still early days but therapist feels like a safe person and a knowledgeable person. Therapist also said that while we need to take our time to build a safe place before doing EDMR she does think I seem ready for therapy.

[one_step_closer]

I'm glad you found a therapist that you feel comfortable with. That is the basic thing needed for a good therapeutic relationship and getting some good work done.

[long road]

Indeed it's a good therapeutic relationship.

Therapy today was less destabilising although still had an impact. But grounding etc.is helping more than it was last week not quite as scared / maybe expressed the scared more during the session? I am glad I feel safe being vulnerable around her as some moments today felt very vulnerable when I was scared and being scared made me feel younger which made me feel more scared.

Progress but therapy isn't easy for sure.

[one_step_closer]

You're doing great exploring things and doing your best to manage the feelings that brings up. Keep going. I'm glad you're not just as distressed after this session.

[long road]

Struggling. Not sure how to put it into words but I just want it all to stop. The pain, the voices, the memories/flashbacks. Very overwhelmed right now.

Last night was really rough and I ended up harming. Therapy today help settle me a bit but still struggling under some extra stress due to health stuff. Therapist said to work hard at grounding. But I am scared to be in the present because pain is so bad.

[one_step_closer]

I'm so sorry everything is so huge and overwhelming. You do have a lot going on so it's understandable to feel this way. Did you look after your self harm? How are things today?

[long road]

Yeah self harm is fine nothing serious. Had a LOT of seizures last night. I only remember one of them but partner says I had at least 3.

Mentally I don't really know how I am. Kind of numb so far today. Still have thoughts pretty bad.

[one_step_closer]

What kind of thoughts?

[long road]

The standard self harm kind of thoughts. With occassional voices telling me to harm in specific ways. And the odd thought of suicide.

[one_step_closer]

Those are hard to deal with I know, but remember thoughts don't have to equal actions.