I've been using music a lot to cope but sometimes it feels like too much stimuli. I've tried white noise in the past, when the voices are bad it doesn't really help.
This is feeling increasingly unbearable and I don't know what to do that would make it less so.
Let us go then you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table
- T.S. Elliot
It was actually Olanzapine. We were told that I can't have Olanzapine PRN because I'm on quite a high dose of Quetiapine.
My GP gives us a regular supply of diazapam which I've been taking. We also have a small supply of Lorazapam so I doubt they'll want to prescribe more PRN.
Sorry if I sound negative, it's just stuff we've tried in the past. They are all really good suggestions.
Feeling very anxious and restless. The demons are telling to make my wound worse, I keep trying to remind myself that I definitely will have to go to hospital if I did that. It's so hard them. I just want some peace.
Let us go then you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table
- T.S. Elliot
This afternoon has been horrible. I didn’t think I could feel worse but I do.
I’m in bed in the dark and I feel dead inside.
I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to hang on anymore.
Let us go then you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table
- T.S. Elliot
Things are really bad and I can't cope.
It hurts. It hurts to breathe, to think, to try and act like everything is okay.
The voices, visions, flashbacks, screaming, threats - everything is relentless.
I don't feel safe. I haven't felt this desperate, hopeless and alone in a long time.
I keep being told to hold on but I don't know how much longer I can.
I don't know what to do. I feel so alone.
I can't express how painful and scary things are.
I don't know what to do. I want the pain to stop, I need it all to stop.
Let us go then you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table
- T.S. Elliot
You sound so overwhelmed and swamped by things. That would be hard for anyone and I think you're coping as well as you can do. You're not pathetic, you're hurting and need people. Who is there for you?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I have my wife but I know I'm hard work for her when things are like this and she's doing the best she can but we've been having a few arguments.
My mum helps with child care but she uses me as an emotional sounding board all of the time and when I try to say something back she switches off.
I find it really stressful but I can't think of a way to tell her that without her getting upset.
I see a private counsellor, she's amazing but she has her limitations. She can only do so much.
I feel like a complete burden on everyone around me. I think in the long run, emotions aside, they would be much better off without me.
Let us go then you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table
- T.S. Elliot
The voices have been giving me very graphic instructions.
i have a sort of plan on how to do it. I'm scared and torn.
It's too much. I just want it to end. I just want them to leave me alone.
Let us go then you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table
- T.S. Elliot
I hurt myself again today. Tried to appease the voices but failed. It wasn't enough.
My wife came home earlier than expected.
I've told her I need her to take things away from me. I can't trust myself to stay safe anymore.
I feel so confused. I'm being pulled in so many different directions.
I just want to make everything ok.
Let us go then you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table
- T.S. Elliot
Love you.
I'm so sorry you're struggling this much and I wish I could take your pain away, you deserve good things. I have no useful words but I'm thinking of you x.
I read your RV and wanted to say I am so thrilled that you are getting help from people who see you and hear you. Hopefully now they can support you in getting the treatment that will result in long term improvement.
Yeah still getting my head around actually getting the diagnosis. My therapist referred me to the trauma clinic with that a Dissociative Identity Disorder diagnosis in mind. She also talked about Complex Post traumatic stress disorder which J asked about and the said they would need to do another shorter assessment for that but didn't feel it was necessary unless we were applying for funding for something because with DID, complex trauma is implied.
They said we could also go back in the future if we need to.
I spent a long time in big denial about the other parts because I was told so much that DID doesn't exist so I thought I must have been making them up. I refused to acknowledge that part of my life (much to my wife's frustration) despite the continuation of dissociation, memory blanks and switches for a long time, thinking it would go away but it didn't.
The clinic are now in the process of writing a clinical report and we have a meeting with them on May 13th to go over the report and what kind of treatment plan they suggest.
It's such a hopeful development, I'm disappointed I don't feel more hopeful.
The need to hurt myself and do what the demons say is still so, so strong.
I'm still so tired.
Let us go then you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table
- T.S. Elliot