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Old 06-03-2021, 09:22 PM   #1
xlaurenx
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
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Not again!!! Triggering

Please can I have some support?? The urges are really strong and loud. They want me to od. But I don't want to! I have been to see my horse, spoken to people, kept busy had some.food, had a shower.. they only really started after the shower though. I keep seeing images of me been in a and e... having taking something... it's so tempted in a way but I don't want to go back there. I can't relax, just so fucking restless. On hold to crisis atm. I want my head to shut up!!! I'm so worried that I will do it inplusively!!! I don't know what do. Going to try blasting music in my ears...

Just struggling :( and I don't fucking know why!!!

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Old 06-03-2021, 09:28 PM   #2
EyelinerAndCigarettes
 
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I'm so sorry you're hurting and struggling so much tonight. I am really glad you've called crisis, I hope they are helpful. Here for you. x







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Old 06-03-2021, 09:52 PM   #3
xlaurenx
 
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Crisis aren't even picking up and my head won't fucking shut up!!!!

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Old 07-03-2021, 02:16 PM   #4
one_step_closer
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How are you today? Did you get through to crisis? Keep thinking about all the reasons why you don't want to OD, you really don't need to be going through everything that an OD brings. Urges can be hard to battle but you don't have to act on them. It's you who is in control.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.

You didn't come this far just to come this far.


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Old 07-03-2021, 06:37 PM   #5
xlaurenx
 
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I woke up around 2pm. Did alot of crying
Saw my horse very briefly. It honestly doesn't feel like I am in any sort of control though. It's feels like they are the ones in control

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Old 07-03-2021, 08:23 PM   #6
EyelinerAndCigarettes
 
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I know it feels like you have no control but you bravely took control last night and didn't act of those urges to OD. - That's strength and you should be so proud of yourself.







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Old 08-03-2021, 12:01 PM   #7
xlaurenx
 
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Thank you.

I did end up in a and e last night... spent hours crying. My head wouldn't stop!!! I didn't feel safe going home so I have stayed at a friend's overnight.

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Old 08-03-2021, 04:26 PM   #8
one_step_closer
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Well done for seeking out support to stay safe. Are you still with your friend?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.

You didn't come this far just to come this far.


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Old 08-03-2021, 10:08 PM   #9
xlaurenx
 
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Yes still with my friend. Spent most of the day sleeping. Crisis team are just crisis managing me at the moment the long term plan is cmht or dbt

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Old 09-03-2021, 09:20 AM   #10
one_step_closer
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How do you feel about that? It's good to have support plans in place.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.

You didn't come this far just to come this far.


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Old 11-03-2021, 04:13 AM   #11
xlaurenx
 
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Not seeing them until saturday.

I'm on sick. Feel like I have lost everything.


I'm done

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Old 11-03-2021, 03:31 PM   #12
Cacoethes
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How are you feeling Lauren?



I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!


Who else is fine?!?!?


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Old 11-03-2021, 10:01 PM   #13
xlaurenx
 
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Thanks for asking lovely.
I.made.myself get up and see the boy ( Ok around midday 1ish) saw him for a bit. Did some jobs around the yard as the thoughts where getting worse. Because of the weather and.urges I decided to go back to my friends around.half 3.a d.fell asleep at half 4 til now. Mainly as the urges were so so strong. They have lessened now. But I am now starving!!!

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Old 12-03-2021, 01:14 AM   #14
Pomegranate
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Hopefully you’ve had something to eat now . Well done for seeing the boy! Random suggestion, but when you’re feeling shitty do you ever take selfie’s with him?

Like something to look at that shows you even with the current shit you’re feeling, there is something and someone still physically there who brings you comfort and loves you? Kind of like a reality checker type thing. I know you do normal pics of him etc, but wondered if that was maybe a very small thing you could do next time you see the boy? Im also aware this isn’t a ‘fix’ and didn’t want you to think I was saying it was, just think it might help with grounding in a very small way that maybe you haven’t tried or had suggested x

How’s it staying with your friend going?





*Proud Plumeria Sister*







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Old 12-03-2021, 09:11 AM   #15
xlaurenx
 
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Good point Emma!!

Yes when I aren't doing great I do tend to take selfies more. He is my main protective factor.

Generally he provides a good distraction. However he isn't hugely affectionate! It's normally ' Oh! Hi mum. *looks at me*Do you have treats? No? *turns head back to haynet* I think there's some hay I have missed. ' he doesn't 'do cuddles. However I can take him around the roads and the fields and if I want a slow walk out he will. If I want to go galloping he will. Typical man I guess, aslong as he has food and is warm he doesn't care lol!!


Staying with my friend is going okay... the urges seem to be less intense overall but when they strike. I have found it very hard to keep safe, part of me doesn't want to be safe.
But I thing it's more ' Listen!!THIS is how much I am struggling' type thing. But then it means more time off work which I really don't want. Plus I am meant to be starting uni soon
Which up until last week I was really happy about and don't want this 'blip to have a impact on that.

Quickly going back to the urges. I know why a and e sent me home and when I call crisis they put the responsibility on me. But! I sometimes don't feel they are actually validating how much of a huge struggle it is to keep safe or more how much I am struggling at this time. If that makes sense and that makes me feel like people don't understand and I aren't being listened too. Therefore I have to do something physical in order for them to actually listen.
Another thing I could feel myself struggling slightly

6 weeks ago. Called them.and asked about reffered to a cmht or dbt ( plan in place for this as the next stage) and they said, at the time as I am doing ok to keep going but if the risks increase or I need more support from them they will review it. Which does make sense. But again that sends me the message off ' there not really listening to me when i verbally say im starting to slip I need to phsyically show them'

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