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Old 10-08-2024, 09:27 PM   #1
Moonlight Princess
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Yeah I've got reasons - bad ones

I won't ever be a mother. I won't ever fall in love. I done know how it feels to be human. I don't know if I even am. Why stay here?



You cannot get through a single day without having an impact on the world around you What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you wish to make.


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Old 10-08-2024, 10:22 PM   #2
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most, okay maybe not all, of those things are things that could change? so suppose one could argue that if you stay alive and not dead you allow for the possibility that those things could change?



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Old 11-08-2024, 09:35 AM   #3
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Not being a mother, is that a biological thing or something you fear?
Why shouldn't you fall in love?
What about your experience isn't human?

Apologies for bluntness, I just want to understand.



Zelo zelatus sum pro Domino Deo exercituum.

Ying tong iddle ai po!

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Old 11-08-2024, 01:13 PM   #4
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You don't know if you 'are'? You most certainly 'are'. I'm sorry you feel like you won't experience some things and think you don't know how it feels to be human but you are a human and you are feeling human things. Are the things you think you'll never be able to achieve important to you? As people have said they may actually happen.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.

You didn't come this far just to come this far.


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Old 11-08-2024, 03:21 PM   #5
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Camden yep that's super logical thank you. It just seems a long way away when I'm just not functioning well.

Tamo it's something I don't think will be possible because I keep shutting down. I'm not a contiinuous beiing I'm dead half the time and if I'm dead half the time how can anybody fall in love with me?
The not humanness is being dead half the time. Yeah I understand, thank you for your clarifying questions.

Lindsay thank you. It feels nice to have someone say that I am definitely hunan but I don't think the things I feel are definitely human.



You cannot get through a single day without having an impact on the world around you What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you wish to make.


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Old 11-08-2024, 04:58 PM   #6
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What if you got help with the shutting down and feeling dead?



Zelo zelatus sum pro Domino Deo exercituum.

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Old 11-08-2024, 06:11 PM   #7
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Really difficult to get my head around that because my head says 'if you're dead why would you need help with being dead?



You cannot get through a single day without having an impact on the world around you What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you wish to make.


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Old 11-08-2024, 06:18 PM   #8
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I can understand that! But what if the dead thing was a feeling, not a fact?



Zelo zelatus sum pro Domino Deo exercituum.

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Old 11-08-2024, 06:20 PM   #9
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Can you communicate when you feel dead? What is it like?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.

You didn't come this far just to come this far.


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Old 11-08-2024, 06:30 PM   #10
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I can't communicate when I feel dead. I don't know, there are holes in my soul, maybe not literal ones but sometimes they feel like it. If there are always holes and there are always going to be then I don't want to be here.



You cannot get through a single day without having an impact on the world around you What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you wish to make.


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Old 11-08-2024, 06:43 PM   #11
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Have you experienced any loss or trauma that might have left these holes in your soul? Please don't answer if it's too triggering or upsetting. People can learn to live with holes, they can shrink them, and even fill them with something that makes them feel more human. It's often hard work and can seem like you have been trying for so long but it's worth continuing. You said before that your head sometimes says 'if you're dead why would you need help with being dead?' Can you sometimes see that you're not dead? What would really dead mean to you? With you being human death can be painful and sometimes go wrong leaving you with more holes and more human problems that might just make you feel worse. Have you considered any other solutions there might be?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.

You didn't come this far just to come this far.


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Old 11-08-2024, 10:51 PM   #12
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Could what you are describing as feeling dead potentially be dissociation? Cos dissociation can make you feel disconnected and numb and not real.




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Old 12-08-2024, 09:52 PM   #13
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Lindsay - I don't recall any trauma that has left me with holes. I would like to fill them but I don't know how. I long to be held by someone who knows me and accepts me and keeps me safe but I don't know that that will happen any time soon. I don't recall a time when I wasn't dead right now, maybe as a child? Really dead could mean this right now..But I'm confused because sometimes I have thoughts that if my body is dead then I could transform (into someone who is human)
In terms of other solutions I can't rule out what Jen says re dissociation



You cannot get through a single day without having an impact on the world around you What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you wish to make.


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Old 13-08-2024, 11:21 AM   #14
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Do you have any support right now? Someone you could explore the possibility of dissociation with?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.

You didn't come this far just to come this far.


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Old 16-08-2024, 09:46 AM   #15
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How are things going?



No other sadness in the world would do


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Old 18-08-2024, 10:40 PM   #16
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Things are a little up and down. I think it's becoming clear that living with my mother. I have been staying in a hotel for most of this week and have felt better. When I'm at home I feel sick.

I have failed my year of Doctorate because I was dead. I am going to appeal but my course director hasn't been supportive really.



You cannot get through a single day without having an impact on the world around you What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you wish to make.


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Old 19-08-2024, 02:12 PM   #17
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It's good that you've managed to have time away from your Mum if she was affecting you so badly. I don't know your situation, do you have to stay with her? Can you explain what was happening when you felt dead that has led you to fail? I'm sorry that has happened. Will it just be your course director that makes the decision of what happens now based on your appeal or will there be other hopefully more supportive people involved?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.

You didn't come this far just to come this far.


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Old 19-08-2024, 02:58 PM   #18
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Is there any support staff within the uni who could help with your appeal?



No other sadness in the world would do


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Old 21-08-2024, 12:01 AM   #19
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It's....she said I'm up to something, she knows it and it will all come out. She said 'if you and your friends are plotting something so plot away. How can she know? I haven't told her anything.



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Old 21-08-2024, 09:19 AM   #20
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That must be really unsettling =S I wonder if it's maybe worth trying not to get bogged down in where she's getting her ideas from and focus on you? Not trying to invalidate how unpleasant that must feel but more to try to elevate your safety and wellbeing above anything to do with her?



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