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Old 27-01-2024, 06:11 AM   #1
wren_wyn
 
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Sigh

I've released again.

I finally got a therapist after around 6 or so months. I'm out of my school situation. I feel like I have no validity to be relapsing since I am living a "perfect" and "happy" life. I was doing better for some time and now things are awfully sticky feeling. I don't know when it worsened again. Depression has been overwhelming and I've been hallucinating again. A lot of negative and somewhat traumatizing things have happened.

I become so overwhelming while doing sh that I find it difficult to put the tool down. It's not relieving but more so enjoyable. I can't describe it easily without it sounding odd. It's like a state of euphoria.

But, I've figured out some reasons as to why I'm inclined to sh. Safety and control. Safety because I hold the mentality of "if I hurt myself first then no one else can." Control because it's a way I can finally have a sense of security. That I'm the one chosing what happens to it, not someone else, and to me, that's more than desirable because I don't want anyone to touch me inappropriately again. Everything is fear driven, irrational fears yet very prominent ones.

I come to points where I want to stop. When I do, I need it again. "Need," I suppose.

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Old 27-01-2024, 06:18 PM   #2
Pi.R^2
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Sorry to hear that you relapsed.

I really don't think you need to berate yourself for feeling bad when things are objectively good - depression can strike in all sorts of situations and it's not your fault!

Are you able to talk about this with your therapist? It's good that you've managed to pin down some reasons why you are drawn to self harm; that's the first step to finding alternative strategies to manage the feelings.



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Old 28-01-2024, 06:57 AM   #3
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I really don't want to tell my therapist that I'm self harming because then they'd tell my parents. I don't want another thing added onto the list of why I'm a disappointment. They wouldn't be disappointed necessarily, but they wouldn't understand I feel. I know I should tell my therapist, but I don't want to. As long as they don't know then they don't know. I've been a burden enough already. I shouldn't add more stress onto their already overwhelmed lives. And as long as everything heals properly and I can hide any signs with clothes, it should be fine. That's my logic anyways.

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Old 10-02-2024, 11:54 PM   #4
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Will they definitely tell your parents? I'm not sure of the rules in the US you see, but thought it was worth checking.



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Old 16-02-2024, 06:32 AM   #5
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I think they're obligated to, not sure if by law. But during the first session, they explained everything and that if I threaten to hurt myself or someone else, that my parents would be involved.

It's fine now, though, but sh is still something I struggle with. If not the action, then the urges. I'll get over myself eventually.

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Old 16-02-2024, 06:46 AM   #6
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breaking confidentiality generally refers to suicide/homicide or if you talk about abuse given you are a minor. but you could definitely ask them about it in a hypothetical sense to find out more specifically. it will unfortunately differ from therapist to therapist how they view it and how they see self harm in general, and differ based on the severity of the self harm as well. and differ based on whether they view providing updates to your parents as necessary or whether they keep what you discuss confidential. it's unfortunately a bit of a grey area and there's no one size fits all answer.

so basically point being if you're not struggling with it at the moment, you could absolutely bring it up with the therapist as a hypothetical question!



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Old 19-02-2024, 05:52 AM   #7
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I think I'll just keep it to myself for now.

I really don't want to explain why I even SH to begin with to my parents. Then I'd have to actually tell them the extent of my trauma and I don't want them to know everything like that. I don't want to feel any more disgusting than I already do. I know they wouldn't view me as gross or shameful, but I don't want to get into bad stuff. Because then the memories and pain will come back to the surface and I'll be just as broken as I was during everything.

So I'll wait. The best chance not to get them involved is to not mention SH at all.

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Old 19-02-2024, 11:52 PM   #8
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It seems like you’ve thought through your decision well and I respect that. And it’s always something you can come back to at a later date.

How are you finding therapy?



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