Thank you. All of you.
I think I needed to let it all out the other night and I'm glad I did. Lots of things came flashing back to me when he was late home. All of the old feelings I had before, all of the suspicion. But funnily enough, I knew he would have a real explanation. I'm paranoid, there are no two ways about it, but I do believe in him. He just has to let me get it out when I need to because if it begins to eat me up inside then it will fall apart before we've covered any real ground.
Don't tell me off, but I'm trying to hold it all together and keep it in for now, because the big picture is far larger than the sum of its parts right now.
I need to stay focussed and spend some time paying Ded some attention.
He is falling apart and in the last few days it has all really started to take it's toll on him. I know, he caused all of this and I know he is to blame. But he is trying to stay so strong that I think it's beginning to have the adverse effect. It is causing him to neglect his feelings and let it pain him.
He deserves it? Sure he does! But this all got so out of hand and he got so caught up in it all that now it is all starting to come crashing down around him. I love him and I hate to see him in pain, despite all he has put me through. This is so much bigger than an affair, he is troubled very deeply and it's vital that I appreciate that as well as my own suffering.
I don't know, I have the day off, and tomorrow too. We're going to a gig tonight so I had the forethought to give myself tomorrow to get over it!
I'm just now praying that this appointment goes well. Whatever that means, and whatever the outcome. He is going to need me and I have to be there. We're in this together, otherwise we have nothing to fight for.
We're becoming increasingly stronger. Everyday.
And I am now sitting here shaking just thinking about how today will go.
Hmm, I don't know.
I'll update you later.
Love love,
Iz x
Last edited by UbermoronicismAgain : 20-10-2009 at 11:43 AM.
Reason: Typing errors, duh! :P
You might win one battle.
But know this; I'll win the ****ing war.
"He is going to need me and I have to be there. We're in this together, otherwise we have nothing to fight for.
We're becoming increasingly stronger. Everyday."
this strength will pull you both thru.
I hope it has gone well and you are able to have some fun now, you both deserve it.
Update when you can
love ya lots
xx
Hey babes. You know how you say you need to be there for him? You're absolutely right. You decided to stick with him, so you're in it together. *nods* Meaning that whilst he may deserve it, it's now your job to help him, same as it's his job to crawl on his hands and knees and worship at your feet for the rest of your life! *nods*
*cuddles*
Love you
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
The gig was absolutely fantastic. Had such a good time, and danced my ass off! Let off a lil' steam ;)
So the clini has agreed to it, and said she just needs to make the appointment. I won't go into the procedure, but there are two options open to her. She can have a 'medical' abortion which means taking a pill and then taking another one 72 hours later. Much more private but relies on her being strong enough to 'lose' it at home which sounds horrendous to me. But less invasive and kinder mayber? Or the 'surgical' option which you can work out for yourselves. The pill form requires her to go to Brighton because it's the only NHS clinic which does the procedure? I don't know.
(That's a long way for her to go, for those out of London)
The other option she can have at the clinic they visited and she would be under general anaesthetic. That option sounds kinder to her in my opinion. But it's her choice, I just want it over with.
So now I wait some more!
I don't know, I just want to get my marriage back on track and all of this is taking it's toll on the both of us. And is a much longer process so far than it has to be. She's convinced if she doesn't have this procedure then he will stay with her. He can't make it any clearer, and it's what is best for this baby. He hasn't taken any of this lightly, which I commend him for.
But she is making him want to walk away. She keeps putting him through the mill whenever they meet or she 'accidently' bumps into him.
He's going through hell, and yes like I said he deserves it but I have to support him and he has to support her. We can focus on my issues and 'us' later on in the process but this has to happen first.
Confusing, complicated, painful, difficult.
Blech!
Thanks again guys, you're helping me more than you will ever know.
Love love,
Iz x
You might win one battle.
But know this; I'll win the ****ing war.
I'm having a rough night so I won't write much.
Just feel alone and sad, and super emotional! Goodness.
Some is down to my hormones, some is over-thought of the horrid situation I'm in. Some is wondering if I am under-selling myself. If I'm doing myself a diservice.
Iz x
You might win one battle.
But know this; I'll win the ****ing war.
Sweetcheeks, you are NOT under selling yourself. You are... doing wonderfully. What would be under selling yourself is if you just gave up and packed it all in. But you haven't done that. You're fighting. You're allowed to have rubbish days where you don't think it's okay! Let yourself wallow in those days but keep in mind, they will pass. *cuddles lots*
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
Izzy, I don't really have any helpful words for you and I couldn't even read the whole thread because it was too painful (my husband left me for another woman 18 months ago, after six months of marriage) but just wanted to send you my love and best wishes. I hope this horrible situation gets sorted out for you.
Iz, just wanted to say I've been thinking of you. My hormones are all over the place because of being pregnant and have been thinking back to the bad times and I have no idea how I got through it so I know you're having to be really strong now when you think you can't be. I admire you for being able to get through this. As always I'm here if you want to chat, pm me for my email address even if you want. take care. cuddles xxx
Iz, I just wanted to say you are so strong. You are dealing with this in such an amazing way. I have no idea how I would cope in your situation, but you seem to grow in strength every time I read your posts. You and your husband will get through this. Sending supportive hugs,
Ginny x
Play the game out
Amor Vincit Omnia
Dad 10/11/2008 Always our sunshine, I'm still playing for the town hall clock
Thank you all so much, that's all I seem to keep saying lately.
I'm having a bad one today, I am hormonal but I'm also becoming more and more distressed? I don't know if that's really the right word.
I think I'm going around in circles and so we decided I should make our first counselling appointment for next week. I shall do that tomorrow and let you all know when it is. I think I may need your positive vibes for that one. It's the first time in about 3 years I will be going into a therapists office again so yeah, I just know it has to be done.
I'm so ****ing paranoid guys. I'm trying so very hard to trust him but he has given me no reason to do that and EVERY reason not to.
I look at her facebook alot, trying to work out what's going on in her head.
Then I see something I don't want to see and question him about it.
Today was the last straw for him in that respect, he practically begged me to stop torturing myself. Stop looking at it and stop thinking about her.
Until she has stopped carrying his baby, I don't think I can.
Still no word on her making that third and final appointment and it's making me crazy.
I won't look at her page anymore, that much I can say. It's doing me no good and I need to drop it.
But I feel so stranded again. Like I'm being sucked back into the whirlpool and I can't swim. I feel as though perhaps I have put it to one side, rather than starting to face it and deal with it and I just can't go on doing that.
It's becoming detramental to my Marriage and I want to heal this, heal myself with or without him and pretending this is going to disappear just ain't going to cut the mustard.
I feel like **** today, I'm really sorry if none of that made any sense.
Thanks again all of you, don't know what I'd do without you.
Iz x
You might win one battle.
But know this; I'll win the ****ing war.
*hugs* i'm sorry things are so hard. i think counseling is a very good idea. looking at her page probably is detrimental. could you block her so she disappears from everything and you can't look at her page?
