Life, please... no more - Page 5

Kahlia1981 · 27-01-2009, 09:59 AM

Thanks Hannah *cuddles in*

ravynsoul · 27-01-2009, 12:32 PM

Kahlia, that's good news to hear that your roommate was so kind and helpful.

*leaves lots of hugs*

Kahlia1981 · 28-01-2009, 04:50 AM

Thanks for the hugs ravyn.

I feel exhausted. I've had a headache since last night and I can't seem to shake it. I think I'm going to lie down for a bit even though it's only like 2pm. I'm not sure if it's stress related - the emotional rollercoaster has been going like heck the last few days - or related to spine positions or something, but I don't want to risk having an episode of TLE and long lasting headaches are usually signs that I'm heading in that direction.

I just wish I knew how to make the flashbacks stop. :(

Kahlia1981 · 29-01-2009, 09:26 AM

The constant rain is seriously not helping my mood nor the frequency and intensity of the flashbacks. I keep wanting to just go and hide in my room and stay away from everyone because there is always the chance that I'll start thinking they are him. It's like 6pm and all I want to do is curl up on my bed and start crying. My life is not worth living. I just can't get certain pictures out of my head nor can I escape from the thoughts and images of forms of self destruction. What kind of life do I expect to have while this is going on ?? There really isn't a way out of it except the final one. Maybe I should just get off my fat arse and follow through on my plan. Maybe ...

wildly insane · 29-01-2009, 10:22 AM

Please don't do that, there will be some point in your life where you will go, I'm glad I didn't, you just can't see it right now.

Is there anyone you can go and see and talk to who could maybe help?

sorry I'm not much help but please know I'm thinking of you and hope those flashbacks move their sorry arse out of your brain waves.

Hugs, Hannah

Kahlia1981 · 01-02-2009, 04:31 AM

My head goes spinny, spinny. I restarted my medication (on my terms) yesterday afternoon. I'm not anywhere near the levels that I was on before I made the decision to stop it altogether, but I need to work my way up on these things or it just fails.

I still feel like I should have done myself some serious damage. I keep hording the kitchen knives in my room with the hope that they will help me to protect myself from someone who doesn't even know where I live, nor anything else about me now ... A kind of unfounded fear I guess, but based around the flashbacks. I just c-a-n-'-t make the darn things stop. Now I just want to start crying again.

I'm over living. =(

Kahlia1981 · 01-02-2009, 11:43 AM

Just what I really need. More flashbacks now that it's dark ...

The medications aren't keeping the voices at bay - possibly because the levels just aren't high enough yet. I've only taken 400 mgs of seroquel today - and when I was on seroquel properly it was like 1200 mgs per day. But one step at a time I guess.

And adding to the lovely mix ... we are going to have a tropical cyclone hitting at some point during the night. Most likely we will be without power for awhile - which means no internet. For some reason that is more difficult to deal with than anything else. And we may be baling water out of the doorway all night long.

I just want out now ...

wildly insane · 01-02-2009, 07:41 PM

*hugs Kahlia* hope the cyclone doesn't do too much damage. Who do you live with at the mo? Hope the meds kick in soon, take care, *more hugs* Hannah

Kahlia1981 · 01-02-2009, 08:31 PM

We got lucky. TC Ellie is now a Low. But we still have monsoonal (sp?) rain.

Hannah: At the moment I live with my two friends underneath our landlady's house.

Anyway, it looks like it's going to be another day of non-stop rain. What fun. I can hardly wait. And I didn't sleep particularly well and all I really want to do is go back to bed and attempt to cry myself to sleep.

Please make it all stop ...

Kahlia1981 · 02-02-2009, 02:18 AM

Just wanted to share something with you ...

ravynsoul · 02-02-2009, 02:23 AM

Very Cool! I like those.

How are you doing now?

Kahlia1981 · 02-02-2009, 02:33 AM

Hi Shell. *waves*

To be perfectly frank I'm not doing too crash hot. My med levels are still way low. I would need to take 12 tablets of the ones that I am taking a day to get me to a point where I would be able to cope properly with the voices, but then again, my mood is also mucked up and I am urging to both head down the road of suicide attempt and SI badly. I keep wanting to retire into my room to allow myself to cry my eyes out and every time I lay down to sleep I hope and pray that I will not wake in the morning. The flashbacks are still bad - in some ways they are getting stronger. Or at least are appearing to be getting stronger. Both in the physical and mental strength. I fight now to stay in the present and not get sucked into the vortex of the past. I want to run away - to destroy myself so that things will stop but logically I know that it won't help the situation I am currently in.

I'm just so sick of this life. Having to fight for my every breath. Not getting respite even in my sleep as the lucid dreams are back with a vengeance. I can feel myself distancing myself from my friends and family because they can't possibly understand me. When I try and talk about what is going on, the conversation gets deflected - either by me as I am unable to talk about things, or by my family because my issues are unimportant. I just really can't see a point in continuing right now.

At the moment I am hanging on based on hope. I am hoping that it is going to get better. That someday I will not feel like this all the time. That some day it will not be a struggle to face another day - that I will not wake up and curse the gods because I didn't die during the night. That the phrase is true : It can't rain all the time.

ravynsoul · 02-02-2009, 02:41 AM

*hugs you tightly*

Hope is a very powerful thing. It has kept me going through dark times. Cling to it as much as possible.

I can't remember if you had mentioned it before... so please forgive if I am asking something you've already answered... do you think you'd be able to maybe go into the hospital for a time to get your meds straightened out? That way maybe you can increase them a little quicker if you're in a safe environment?

Hopefully as you increase the meds the flashbacks, vivid dreams, and voices all stop.

Keep fighting; keep writing; keep talking... it will get better... IT WILL. You can do this.. you are incredibly strong and you're a fighter.

please contact me any time if you need to chat or scream or whatever..

*leaving lots more safe hugs*

Pomegranate · 02-02-2009, 02:54 AM

I have no words Kahlia, but I do read and I do care. *squishes*, please keep going x

Kahlia1981 · 02-02-2009, 09:48 AM

Just for information : The hospital won't take me. I usually don't actually see anyone from psych when I go up there because even if there are no other psych patients they force me to sit and wait for at least three hours. That doesn't change even when I am obviously in a dangerous state.

I just wanted to thank both of you Emma and Shell for replying, and also anyone else who has read this. I feel like I'm taking up valuable space that should be given to other people. Seriously, I have no right to post on this board because I'm just a pathetic loser who deserves everything that she gets and is going through. I'm always going to be in this hopeless state, because I am hopeless and I fail at everything.

ravynsoul · 02-02-2009, 12:33 PM

Kahlia, you are not taking up space... you deserve to to write here as much as anyone. You are not a loser and you do not deserve what's happening... You are a wonderful person; who just happens to be hurting very very much.
I don't have many words; but I want you to know that I hope you keep posting here as much as you need/want to and that I care and do not think you are hopeless.

*leaves lots of hugs*

Kahlia1981 · 02-02-2009, 01:45 PM

I just want to run and scream and cry until no more tears can run down my cheeks. I want to let forth the bright red scream until it and the scars from it overtake my body and the pain is removed from my soul forever.

I'm sorry. I don't deserve any of the love and support that you all have shown me. Maybe it's just time for me to pack up and leave and stop living in a world that I absolutely hate. Maybe I should just run ...

Tears of Solitude · 02-02-2009, 11:20 PM

Of course you deserve love and support. You are a well loved member on here. I know I havent posted before I have been reading your post.

I wanted to offer my support

Jade xxx

Kahlia1981 · 04-02-2009, 09:49 AM

It has been a nasty couple of days ... I spent over 48 hours awake so was quite thankful to get any sleep last night ... even though it was interrupted and only about 3 hours. But hey, any sleep is good sleep ... right?

The night before last was awful. I could barely leave the room. The flooding ended up halfway across the floor of our lounge room. I ended up having to attempt to wake both my housemates. I only manage to rouse one of them so he and I were working flat out in the early hours of the morning to try and shift some of the water. We were baling about 40 L a minute ... no joke. And it still felt like we were trying to empty the water from the Nile with a teaspoon.

And to top the last few days off, we are having trouble with Centrelink (Social Security). Because I've lived with one of my housemates before at a different address, and because he is of the opposite gender, they assume that we must be in a "marriage-like relationship" despite the fact that we have told them several times on several different forms that we are not. It's a case of bureaucracy gone psycho. To be perfectly honest, we both are livid.

At least it isn't raining right at the moment. I'm sooooo over the rain. Yes, it is nice to have it, but I do prefer to have regular rainfall spread over several years, then say 10 years worth in one fortnight. I don't know, maybe that's just being selfish. The respite is quite good. We are expected to be getting more rain, and there is another tropical low that could possibly becoming threatening ...

My housemate and I went out to dinner last night ... Mmmmmmm. Chilli Tuesday at Cactus Jacks. My housemate had a few alcoholic drinks. I even indulged in a Kahlua margarita .... Mmmmmm. It was quite nice to just get out of the house and be somewhere warm and dry.

That reminds me. We went and had a look at the Weir (over the largest river here) because we thought it would be a wonderous site as it has a tendency to go over at the scent of rain. It was completely and totally breathtaking. It was kind of like Australia's version of Niagara Falls, the water was only a couple of feet below the bridge. There were some complete, total and utter idiots swimming in the river ... We were privately hoping that they were going to get washed away.

Hmmm, that makes me sound cynical and sadistic. Oh well. Meh.

I think my mood is tanking. :(

On the good side however I'm not having quite the same difficulty with the voices. They are still there and still loud and defiant and so forth, but it helps me to remain in control. Or as in control as I ever am. I'm now up to 800mgs of Seroquel daily. And I still hate taking it.

I wish there was an easier way ...

wildly insane · 04-02-2009, 10:12 AM

*hugs Kahlia* hang in there hun, please believe in the hope, it will get better. Hope the meds help, however much you hate taking them. You deserve it all, to post here, love, happiness, support and understanding and we believe in you. You're no loser, you're fighting and one day you will be glad that you kept waking up in the morning and I know that's hrd to believe right now but it's true. I'm glad dinner went well, I love Chilli :), hugs, Hannah