Should i continue this? It's kinda hard at the moment with it as it faces problems that i'm only just recovering from. If i do keep writing, the next update will probably be around tuesday, tell me your thoughts; please.
Ohh awesome.. it's up to you if you want to continue.. I for one would love to see more but you have to take care of yourself as well.. I know how hard it can get *cuddles*
This is hard for me right now and reflects upon alot of whats happening to me, I just want to thank everyone for your continual support.
The days began to pass slower and slower as my mood again deteriorated I slipped back in the state to emptiness and the well known slum that involved Anorexia in a matter of weeks. But this time anorexia was accompanied by another, bulimia. I would go days without eating then begin to eat for a few days, but throw up every meal, the cycle had began and I was falling at an absurd rate. My body ached and groaned beneath me at every movement, but I never let anyone know; my mask was solid and impenetrable. Many thought that maybe all was not well as I was portraying as I had indeed just collapsed for starvation/dehydration but I coped in my own way.
Two weeks after returning to school, I had settled well back into my niche. My aid, Jen, sat faithfully by my side in most classes and helped me keep up to date with work, my two week ban from SLR was up and I was pushing myself harder than ever in any sport involved activity. I also had once again retreated into my shell; I still hung out with friends occasionally, but always made the excuse of having school work if they ever asked me why I hadn’t been around.
It seemed that once again I was impenetrable.
But that changed a couple weeks after returning back to school, I was in History and strangely Jen was not with me, a class she always was; I had seen her this morning. But a light knock at the door answered my question as to what was up, she didn’t walk in just asked that I, pack up and come with her. Immediately thoughts bounced through my head, was I in trouble? No. Was she taking me to the library to study? Most likely not, was she taking me to the Deputy’s office for some unknown reason? God I hope not. But mind went blank as we walked outside and she turned around to confront me.
“Teaghan I have decided to intervene, we need you to improve, to get better and not just float and HOPE things get better because they won’t” I began to interrupt with “But I’m fi..” but Jen cut me off.
“Oh don’t you dare give me the “I’m fine” speech I’ve heard it before and you are not fine Teaghan! I see straight through your mask and I see that you struggle everyday. Please let me help, come see the School Counsellor with me.” Jen grabbed my arm and wheeled around to lead me off, but I was glued to the spot, my mask was fool proof, she couldn’t see through it, could she? It hit me then; everyone could see I was not okay.
“But so what? It doesn’t matter any way, my life, my choices. Jen can’t make she go.” My head rattled off this last idea and a small smirk glanced over my face. Too late she noticed and I exclaimed four words that showed my defiance.
“You. Can’t. Make. Me.” All were pronounced slowly, I was scared that something may go off and what was left of my mask would crumble.
Jen just shrugged and murmured “Its your life” as she walked off.
My whole body began to shake and I backed up to the wall behind me, looking for stability my whole self began to crumble and everything that was holding me up snapped and tumbled down and so did I.
Eventually I regained enough composure to get up and notice that someone was standing in front of me, Jen. She didn’t say anything just offered her arms and I willingly collapsed into them looking for some sense of warmth after so long in the cold.
Last edited by Crayon, : 18-07-2009 at 02:41 PM.
Reason: Fixing title.
I eventually wound up in the last place I wanted to be in, the counsellors office. I hadn’t let go of Jens hand yet, her warmth felt safe I knew attached to someone I could not possibly hurt myself. But I was still blubbering on, ten minutes then twenty passed and finally the sobs slowed to sniffles but a pain that’s was worse than any other that I had ever felt had crept into my body. Slowly I was able to control the gasping that was the result of yet another panic attack and forced myself to breathe in and out counting backwards from twenty.
“Three, Two, One” I breathed hoarsely. Nearly an hour of crying had left me emotionally exhausted. I then realised that the counsellor was on the phone, to whom I had no idea I only caught the last branch of the conversation.
“Yeah she’s okay now, well not okay but she’s calmed down. Yeah okay I’ll see you then” her soft voice then continued to flow across the room, “Teaghan are you alright? You scared us for a minute there.”
“Yeah” was all I could manage, Anorexia was already screaming at me and I was too scared to open my mouth in fear that I would say too much once again. But my need for speech was not needed, the counsellor continued on.
“Teaghan my name’s Michelle, I’m sure you know by now that I’m the counsellor here. I’ve just rung your grandmother and she is on the way here, but before I meet her in the front office to talk about your needs and what I can do for you. I want you to know that whatever you say stays in this room, unless of course you or someone else is in danger and then I’ll have to report it to the authorities. But I’m here for you, no one at school wants what happened today to happen again and we need to work on things to help you cope better and eventually get out of this mess.” Michelle finished and I just nodded subtly.
Then I got up and spoke “I need space, Jen can you just stay with me? I need to get out of this room” I was feeling more and more claustrophobic by the second and the return of a panic attack was near. Getting out of the confined space gave me a temporary rush of freedom and the impending doom was gone from my mind for a few seconds before reality forced its way back into my mind.
My grandmother was coming up to the school; that meant she knew about the mask I was wearing, she knew about my breakdown and she knew that I was not okay. “Shit” I exhaled.
Jen turned around to face me and gave me a questioning look “How much did she tell Nan wait, what did you tell the Michelle?” first names felt less official to me and I often decided to use them instead of Mr/Mrs.
She exhaled and replied “calm down Teaghan I had to tell her, you should have seen you today it looked as if you were one of the living dead and that wasn’t just today. But today it got worse, it looked like something inside of you had given up and you’ll letting anorexia win again and Teag?” I noticed Jen was talking to me, not at me this time.
“Yeah Jen?” I questioned, my heart skipping a few beats.
“You can’t let anorexia win, not now not ever. She is the devil; anorexia is not allowed to win you over hun. I know it’s hard, I more than anyone else know what’s going on for you right now because I for one have suffered from Anorexia. Do you want to come up to my staffroom and escape the cold? Because honestly I’m bloody freezing and you must be too, we’ll talk, or I will atleast” she cuddled me, I hadn’t noticed but it was cold. So I nodded in appreciation and followed her up the stairs the warmth of a gas heater too much to turn down.
Michelle is my current school counsellor and this is a conversation we had between her a friend and I. Jen is based on a few people actually the person who had the eating disorder was actually and aid who has helped me through alot.
I'm sorry its so small but this is something that has happened recently and the flashbacks are even worse than what has been written. So i'm hoping in a way that you like it, but also that you don't.
I nestled in the seat closest to the heater, curled in a ball to retain the heat emanating from the heater. I closed my eyes gently and the images began to play on the back of my eyelids.
The following content has been hidden - Reason : Sexual Abuse
His hands everywhere at once; spread the evil all over my body. Unable to move, scream or do anything I lay there paralysed my body underneath him, his hot breath on my neck. The only words I can mutter are “Ben please; no” but he pays no attention until I feign sickness and run out of the room. I just keep running until I’m panting, sobbing.
But I can feel tears running down my face, the heat of another body comforting me and I remember that I’m in Jen’s company and I’m obviously crying again, sobbing infact; the tremors rocking my body back and forth.
There is an earlier chapter that mentions the abuse, its most likely on the first or second page this is going to be more evident in the story now.
