Aimee sweetie, i hope you can stay safe. You are an amazingly lovely person. Can you tell someone how you are feeling? Please try be around people to stop you acting on these urges.
I don't know who to tell. I can't tell my friends because unless I have professional support it isn't fair. And I'll probably end up just driving home safely, anyway.
I was goingto make a doctors appointment for tomorrow but I hung the phone up. What's the point.
They can't help me though, that is the problem. And the doctor can't either she'll just worry (again) and call the crisis team (again) and frankly I've had enough.
I'm not going to jump, I stuck my head out and it's too uncertain and too messy. But I might buy another method on the way home and if I do I'm in a fuck load of trouble and I need to reach out but I don't know where else too. My doctor will panic and call crisis. My psychiatrist will put my in hospital. I don't know what I want but I know what I don't want is that. Maybe, I just want to be dead and have all this over and out.
Sorry, just an uncensored sharing of my thoughts here.
Would you feel able to talk to crisis? It doesn't necessarily mean hospital, it just means you have that support, someone to talk through these feelings with.x
It's different because I'm in a postgraduate course, so I don't know if they could do any of the measures they would be able to do with undergrad. I know they could extend my assignment due dates though.
I already spoke with the coordinator today and told him I was doing okay but my concentration was terrible and I was struggling to read, and he said just take it at your own pace. I don't want to bother him again, especially unless I can say "I'm struggling with this, and x y or z might help". There's nothing that can help that I want to do (I don't want to skip a year or delay my progress etc. Not unless this continues).
Thank you Dash. I'm sorry I'm not trying to be difficult I guess I'm just feeling pretty hopeless.
I've rung my doctor and made an appointment for tomorrow which I may cancel because I don't think it will help at all. And dinner has left me very full so that helps because I'm feeling lazy now.
Probably yes. I'm feeling calmer now as I've finally caught my brother (who is overseas) online after a week or so of trying to chat. So that is distracting me.
I just wanted to say that I'm relieved you've got a distraction at the moment, particularly as it's family and you've been feeling alone lately.
I think if you feel actively suicidal at any point again soon (as you did when at uni), you really need to give yourself permission to seek help in whatever form that might be. Even if the outcome is a temporary admission or crisis involvement, it is so risky to imagine you'll be safe just because you've managed to drive home safely in the past. I can understand your fears about opening up to people unless you have specific suggestions as to how they can help, but you are going through a real crisis period. I'm sure those around you would rather you alive and desperate than dead for the sake of not worrying them.
Thanks Shed. I decided if it comes back as strongly I would call a helpline. I admit I have unsafe plans tonight still so I think unless I can be distracted and have it lift my mood aswell [unlikely] I might call a helpline and tell them how desperate I feel. Thanks for acknowledging I'm going through a crisis period, it helps to have that validated.
My course is solely research so I don't know how practical this would be for you but when I returned after a break from my PhD I worked part time and built up my hours over a month would this be possible to ease you back in a little?
Could you discuss with your supervisor about what work is more important and what work can wait till you are in a slightly better place? Its worth starting slowly and building up if it means that you don't slip backwards.
I'm glad you've got a distraction and I hope phoning the helpline, if you do phone, helps. x
There is one part I could put off, which is my confirmation of candidature but I don't want to delay it when I am theoretically ready to do it. My research is running in conjunction with two other students so I can't delay it. The other component is classes so I have to attend those and do the assignments to keep up to date.
I feel like if things continued then I'd think of some of these more drastic options. But I guess if I'm feeling this bad maybe it's drastic enough to start putting those cards on the table.
Finished talking with my brother now. Going to drink I think and see where it goes, which is so fucking dangeorus. But I'm sick of reaching out for help before acting on anything. It's not real then and nobody cares.
My friends sent me a package. The card is handmade and says "you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think". And a spa voucher inside for a facial. I can't stop crying. They're such beautiful people and I'm sitting here thinking about killing myself. I'm so lucky to have them though and I know that.
Aimee, I hope the package has helped to keep you safe for now.
I'd just like to ask, why is hospital not an option in your mind right now, and also, why isnt taking a year out an option?
It seems like you are feeling really really hopelessly overwhelmed and you dont see any point in reaching out. So I wonder, other than suicide, what you think your other viable options might be?
I hope you are safe at the moment and am thinking of you xxx
Hi Steph, good questions, thank you for taking the time to respond.
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why is hospital not an option in your mind right now, and also, why isnt taking a year out an option?
I have to attend classes and do research which is why I can't go into hospital. I'll miss vital parts of my course, each lesson trains us for something we will need in our practical careers so for example I might miss a lesson on how to administer a test and then, I'm deficit in that knowledge.
Taking a year out isn't an option because I want to stay in the same group as my current classmates, firstly. There's only 8 of us so we are close. And secondly I think it would jeprodise my future.
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It seems like you are feeling really really hopelessly overwhelmed and you dont see any point in reaching out. So I wonder, other than suicide, what you think your other viable options might be?
You're right, I am. I don't think there is any point in reaching out. But I did make an appointment to see my GP but I'll probably cancel it when they open tomorrow.
So other options viable then suicide are to keep on fighting.
I think continuing to fight is definitely a good plan. Please please keep your GP appt, you never know how helpful it can be until you go, and if it is unhelpful at least you have tried! Maybe they could refer you to the crisis team?
Last time i did this o swallowed so much alcohol I don't remember anything but it's not this bad this time so it won't Fucking work and just when I worked yo the courage. What do I do? I'll go to sleep I think
