Thank you both so much. Just feel so overwhelmed college was awful I nearly ended up in tears as I messed up my PowerPoint and one of the girls was being bitchy. I feel so weak and exhausted but I need to tackle my dissertation log book but just staring into space. I'm so disgusting I keep getting cravings for marmite and oxo cubes! Just terrified of messing up uni and I'm scared I'm taking the place of someone who really needs help. Thanks Frostbitten I thought it was just me whose weight was strange! Sorry I'm rambling my head feels like mush. I really hope you are both coping ok. Sorry for posting. Xx
It sounds as though you had a really terrible day, Jess. I know that feeling weak and exhausted must have exacerbated the effect that the PowerPoint had on you. I just want to say though - sorry to be blunt - that you're noticing that you feel weak and exhausted and that you keep getting odd cravings for Marmite and Oxo Cubes. That's your body crying out for nutrition. You can't function on air and so you should stop trying to. Okay, food's scary, but we need it to survive, to live, and, although you're surviving right now, you aren't really living. Logically, it makes sense to eat something, even though you don't want to.
Weight goes up and down. It fluctuates extremely - I don't think there is anybody in the world who doesn't experience that type of issue!
Perhaps, instead of being terrified of messing up university, you could try to make the most of it. Okay, so you are scared you're taking up somebody else's place, well, if university thought that then you'd be kicked off the course and help wouldn't want to support you but they do and you do deserve the support. Then, if you make the most of it, you won't feel so guilty.
Thanks belle am such a mess of had things after talking to my mum and she says I need to do it as my assignments which are barely started are due in two weeks! I'm so FAT I keep having really violent thoughts of hurting myself as I'm clearly not anorexic and deserve to be punished for my greed. I feel I could physically rip off the FAT and have marks on my face from punching it I just don't feel safe. I need to escape the FAT and the shame I'm so sorry. I am out of control. I hope you are both ok x
I don't actually think that being 'FAT', as you describe it, has any impact on your assignments. Whether you are fat or not (which you aren't), you still have the assignments. I know that sounds a bit blunt but does it make sense? Try not to combine the two trains of thought. With the assignments, is there any way that you can talk to your university lecturers/tutors? They're usually really helpful and might ease things a little bit.
Essentially, you have a decision and you sometimes have to think about these things quite clinically. You either do the assignments or you don't. If you do, you'll have to plan this into your schedule. If you don't, you'll have to decide to get extensions or whether you want to be in university. I know it sounds harsh but in order to get through things, you have to be quite cold about it.
It sounds, to me, as though you want to be anorexic? Somehow, perhaps, that might make what's happening to you feel real and like a problem that you can legitimately be concerned about. I say that because I've felt that way myself. What you've got to consider is that anorexia is an illness, not a sign of achievement or punishment. It's something that will take over and control your life and nobody in the world deserves that. Nobody. I can promise you on that.
Maybe food is control for you. It sounds as though you need something to control and food is that. Could you have a think about other things that you could do that might help you, Jess? I mean, I've taken up exercise (don't go overboard...) and have ended up finding such a lot of happiness through dancing and running. That could suit you. Otherwise, there are plenty of crafts you can partake in or a hobby that you never even realised existed!
I don't know if you're getting any professional help right now. Do you think it might be useful for you?
Hi belle thanks Hun. I am receiving support but it ends in two sessions and I need to decide whether to accept more intensive help or just be discharged either with or without physical observations. I have a CPA in November to discuss what's next. I don't know why I value anorexia so much it makes me safe. I'm finding I'm just so exhausted when it comes to assignments and my anxiety is so high I panic about what to write and it's just a mess. My uni are amazing my poor tutor deserves a medal! I'm sorry I'm just a bit overwhelmed with anxiety. I really hope you are ok Hun xx
I'm sorry to bump this but I just feel so FAT and out of control. I feel I could tear myself to pieces and desperate to get the FAT off. The shame and the guilt is threatening to overwhelm me. I need to work but I'm so physically exhausted and weak and distressed by the thoughts in my head to concentrate. I'm sorry I don't deserve to post here. I feel like I'm flogging a dead horse. I'm so sorry. I hope everyone is ok xx
Hi I'm so sorry to post yet again but I am really struggling right now. My care co ordinatior called yesterday to say that the CPA I was supposed to have to discuss where to go next has been cancelled. I feel so lost as I was all psyched up to say yes to day care if only for them to see how hair brained their plan. I'm so scared as I'm so much fatter than everyone else and also I'm terrified of gaining more weight. I'm sorry to post I just don't know what to do.
Last edited by random.swirls : 31-10-2012 at 09:20 AM.
Reason: Please see your PM's
Also, not eating solids is going to mean you will struggle with the meal plan, yes, but that's not to say you shouldn't try it. You've lost how many years of your life to an ED? Why lose any more when you have this opportunity. Take it.
Thanks Jodie . I really sorry I don't know why it's so big in my head. Thanks for replying. I suppose I'm also scared they will make me stop uni. I really hope you and Jenna are well. In other news I have friend who will have some hamsters rehome come the new year after she has finished using them in her dissertation I thought of you and Jenna. Your rats are gorgeous by the way. I'm sorry again for causing offence xx
I'm sorry I really can't cope. I never feel good enough I feel fat and so out of control, I had a huge row with my mum and have loads of uni work to do so I had something to please my mum but I feel like I've failed. I've taken on so much fluid that my body has swollen up. I'm being weighed next week and I know I will have gained. I just feel I don't deserve to live for being so disgusting. I'm coming up to discharge and know I need to do something even though I don't deserve to have support. I'm sorry I'm waffling I just feel so desperate xx
I agree with Jodie, Jess. Why should anorexia take any more of your life? It doesn't deserve to and you are strong enough to fight against it. You've shown this by asking for support on this thread and throughout the time that I've known you. You might not believe it but asking for help is a fantastic step towards recovery.
It's good that you can recognise why you capitalise the word 'fat' and that it's a representation of how you feel, rather than who you are. Just because you feel something, doesn't mean you are it, I can promise you that much. Why do you think you feel like that? Emotionally, what does 'fat' represent?
Why does weight mean so much to you? At the end of the day, weight is just a number, it's not who you are and it doesn't reflect your performance at university, your friendships, how much you love the hobbies and experiences you've had and partake in.
Thanks so much belle. Very sad I keep crying I feel like fear and loss are crushing me. I miss my dad so much it takes my breath away it would be his birthday on Tuesday I'm sorry this isn't really ed related. He has been gone ten years but it feels like yesterday. I went to uni today and I'm meeting my tutor tomorrow but yet again I have to make it quick as he is behind and in trouble and that is my fault for being selfish and demanding. I've realised how much I don't want to stop uni but I also keep falling behind I'm too scared. My mum says I should say yes to day care but I'm too fat and deserve it and I can't bloody eat solids and should be working but instead I'm exhausted and I'm bloody in bed doing nothing ! I'm sorry for ranting I hope you are ok! Xx
Thanks so much belle. Very sad I keep crying I feel like fear and loss are crushing me. I miss my dad so much it takes my breath away it would be his birthday on Tuesday I'm sorry this isn't really ed related. He has been gone ten years but it feels like yesterday. I went to uni today and I'm meeting my tutor tomorrow but yet again I have to make it quick as he is behind and in trouble and that is my fault for being selfish and demanding. I've realised how much I don't want to stop uni but I also keep falling behind I'm too scared. My mum says I should say yes to day care but I'm too fat and dont deserve it and I can't bloody eat solids and should be working but instead I'm exhausted and I'm bloody in bed doing nothing ! I'm sorry for ranting I hope you are ok! Xx
The feelings of missing your Dad are, actually, ED related, Jess. An eating disorder isn't simply the behaviours surrounding food, it's the emotions that drive you to exist and think like you do. For that reason, the feelings you're experiencing are relevant. It's great that you've mentioned them here and feels like a step forward, so well done for that!
The feelings of missing someone can be incredibly overwhelming and can feel so heavy and like a pain in your body that will never shift, no matter how hard you try. It can be truly horrible to carry on, especially with his birthday coming up. Perhaps you could do something nice with your Mum to remember him?
It does sound as though daycare might be a good idea for you. At the end of the day, you're in bed because you're exhausted but you think you're eating too much. Do you see how that logic doesn't quite fit? If you were eating more, you'd have more energy, surely? Therefore, you aren't eating enough. It sounds simple and I don't mean to trivialise how you feel, I'm just trying to explain it rationally.
Your tutor shouldn't put his worries onto you. If he's behind, that's his problem. It's his job and he gets paid! If he didn't want to see you, he wouldn't. You aren't a burden. Maybe try to be honest with him and keep communicating.
Thanks so much belle. I'm sorry I don't deserve this I know you are going through so much. I just feel a mess and fat. There is nothing that will help. I tried to say yes and they say I'm not suitable. I don't know what to do. I'm so fat they can't section me so I'm not eligible for inpatient unless I'm prepared to be the fattest person on the ward which I'm not, I'm such a mess I'm sorry. I just need to push my body harder. I'm not making sense I'm sorry xx
Don't you worry about me, Jess. This is your thread and you must use it to gain support. If I was finding it too much to reply then I wouldn't and you should trust me on that.
Perhaps outpatient treatment would be more suitable? EDs are not all about weight. I know a lot of people with EDs and they vary in size and weight, honestly. It's about your relationship with food and how you feel about it.
I don't think you need to push your body harder, I think you need to give it a chance.
I've been having outpatient it yet again hasn't worked I'm too paralysed with fear to do it. It was tough. I'm sick of being a freak and not everyone else. I feel like a failure on every level. Everything is out of control. I'm just not ill enough to deserve help. I'm sorry I will shut up xx
I think that if it isn't tough, Jess, it isn't working. I know that sounds quite harsh but therapy is supposed to be hard because it is touching on all those issues that you have managed to dispel with food.
You aren't failing on every level. You are posting here for support, you go to university, you have friends - that's not failure! Honestly!
Deserving help isn't measured upon your illness. Everyone deserves help, yourself included. I can promise you that and I don't make hollow promises.
