Where do I go from here?

[one_step_closer]

Sorry to keep bumping this, I just feel so alone and helpless. The crisis team are going to phone me at 3 but I have no idea what to say to them. Everyone thinks i'm doing ok because i'm not acting on my suicidal feelings but they are still there, just as strong, only i'm trying my best to hold off from acting on them to give my brother more time to live with me here to support him. I feel like every time I go through one of these episodes it gets harder to deal with and more intense but my OT says that I have been here before and that maybe it just seems like the urges are getting stronger. I'm not so sure. If my brother wasn't here all of this would be so simple to end.

[Snow White.]

Linds, can you make an emergency appointment with your doctor? It may be worth it to see what the letter contains and if it helps you in any way.

I think about you all the time, I am so worried. So worried. I don't want to lose you.

Sounds like things are pretty intense today. If they continue this way I want you to please call the police. I know you're against the idea but you'll be doing it to protect your brother. Please take that step today if this continues.

Xxx

[one_step_closer]

Thank you, Aimee. I appreciate your support immensely. I'm going to make an appointment with my doctor tomorrow for as soon as possible. I have never met her before because I have just moved to the area so I hope she is nice and takes me seriously and doesn't base all of her thoughts and actions on what my psychiatrist thinks.

I think my brother is safe for now, the men seem to have taken a back seat although they could be plotting something. I don't understand why I have to live like this and why no medication or therapy seems to be helping. I can't continue to live in this way. I hope that my brother finds someone who loves him very soon and settles down so he doesn't need me so much, then I can go. It's so difficult to live with mental health problems and people don't seem to understand unless they have been through it themselves.

[one_step_closer]

I don't want to have to keep distracting myself from the thoughts and the men. Maybe they are right and I should die. The feelings keep coming back and there must be some reason for that. My brother isn't happy either. He said that he feels like our family has been cursed. If he isn't happy then there is no reason for me to stay here, his happiness is all I care about. At times though the suicidal feelings are just so painful that I don't know how much longer I can cope with them. I'm sure that i'm dying inside anyway what with all of the overdoses I have taken and the amount of times that my heart has been broken. Knowing my luck i'll hang on and feel better and then the next day I will be told that I am dying. I may as well get it over with.

[Airplanes]

Don't do it. Just don't.
Trust me.
I tried twice last week... The regret is something that kills me more than the voices in my head.
Life is hard. You always have heartbreak, you always have times where you can imagine how much it would be to just let go of everything and float off into someplace where you no longer feel pain.
Your brother may be like that, but imagine how he would feel if you died and he was truly all alone..
The feelings are something you will be able to beat. It just takes time. It's painful, it hurts, but in the end, it's worth it.
The men in your head are only there to hurt you. But you are worth more than them. You can overcome them... lock them away.
I lock my voices away and throw away the key. Every now and then they manage to escape, but sometimes it's worth locking them away for the peace and happiness I get to experience.

Just please, don't kill yourself.
Death is the easy option.
To overcomes life is hard,
But it's worth it.

[one_step_closer]

Thank you. Sometimes it's so hard not to go ahead with suicide though. It seems like it is the only option because I have tried so much over the past 9 years but nothing has helped. I'm confused. Confused about why I am confused. I don't want to do the things that the crisis team suggests to get me through this 'bad patch.' I'd rather let my misery grow and grow to the point where I would have the strength to kill myself. Death is more a part of life for me than life is and I don't want it to be that way.

[one_step_closer]

I'm so, so sorry. I can't do this. It would be so easy to die and I only have it in me to take the easy way out. I'm not doing what I want with my life and keep getting told to postpone my studying until I am more well. I'm also told what jobs I can and can't cope with. My life is mapped out by my illnesses. I just want to be 'normal' and healthy. I want to study clinical psychology and work with people who have mental health problems. I have a first class honours degree in psychology and have worked with people with mental health problems both in the community and in two acute psychiatric wards. I look good on paper but in reality I am a mess. In my last job I became so anxious that I had to keep going home in the middle of the day and eventually they let me go because I was too ill to work. Shortly after I was admitted to a psychiatric ward because I was going to kill myself.

I don't understand why they won't admit me now. I just need somewhere safe to get control of the men in my head and take a breather and look at my life and how I can move forward. I feel like I can't do that outside of hospital because I am so focused on going to a train station and I have to keep fighting myself so that I don't end my life. That sounds so beautiful; end my life. Life really is not for me. I've probably said this before but I don't understand life. I don't understand why people enjoy it and where their good feelings come from. My brother really enjoys music, he is obsessed with Marilyn Manson and Lady Gaga, he notices the music in films. He enjoys art and says that it helps him to relax. I honestly don't enjoy anything. Music is almost an alien concept to me. I know that I seem to be obsessed with Linkin Park but that's because they have been with me throught my teenage years, I can't connect with their music any more. I used to really enjoy reading but now when I start a book I can't wait to get it finished. It's just another task that I have to do.

I was never meant for this world. I must be some sort of alien. It's not fair that everyone else can walk away from me but I am stuck with me forever. I resent my parents for creating me. My Dad just wanted a son but I was born first. If they had got their son in the first place there would have been no need for me. I know that they loved me though. I know that they tried their best to look after me and my brother but ultimately they failed and now that they are dead I am left to pick up the pieces. My Mum was an alcoholic and my Dad was much older than her, a pensioner throughout my childhood. I didn't get enough positive attention and care because they just weren't able to provide it. I tried my best to be a good big sister to help my brother along and I hope that I have allowed him to grow up to be a healthy and happy adult but I worry about him a lot. If I told him that I am considering suicide I think that he'd say that maybe we should both kill ourselves and that scares me because it means he isn't happy with life either. I've asked him before if he needs to talk to someone other than me but he said he wouldn't share things with a stranger and he's trying to make the best of the life that he has.

People have given up caring about my feelings. They just want me to act through life. They want me to live through my pain. This is my life and I should be allowed to do what I want with it, including give it up. I'm going to research a lot into suicide and think about what I had to sort out when my Dad died so that I can sort some of those things out while I am alive. I'm not going to make any rash decisions while I am in this mood but when I come out of it I will rationally look at my options. I want to talk things through with my psychologist first although he will probably just skim over it. Professionals have seen too much of things like this. I think they become immune to other peoples suffering.

Sorry that this is long again, I really would appreciate some support.

[Snow White.]

Hi Linds, I'm on my phone so sorry if this is short. But as much as you're in pain right now, remember what you've said above. You've been well enough to get these study qualifications, and those jobs, there is no reason you can't get there again.

"take a breather and look at my life and how I can move forward."

Yes! You do, and I really think this is a positive statement that you CAN move forward. please don't let go of that.

What you need is to find someone to get you into hospital so you can take time to recover. Maybe the doctor will be able to help tomorrow? I think that you've been really honest in this thread, can you show these responses to someone? Maybe the doctor?

In your appointment please be as honest as you can about what you need. She might be able to get you there but you need to tell her that hospital is the best idea to keep you safe and get through this.

I believe you can get through this, Linds. Here for you the whole way xx

[one_step_closer]

Thanks.

The earliest appointment I could get with the doctor is on the 25th. I have an appointment with my psychologist on Thursday but he doesn't have the power to get me admitted to hospital. My OT is supposed to be phoning me today but again she won't do anything for me. The crisis team will call me this evening and tell me that I need to watch some TV.

[one_step_closer]

I'm tired of this game of life. Of this body. Of this world. I'm dying. We're all dying. Why prolong the suffering? He'll kill himself one day too, I know it. He doesn't belong here either. We were both born into this hell.

I am the odd one out. I live on a show street, everyone has perfect gardens but I can't even find the energy or motivation to cut my grass or pull out the weeds. I am the only one of my friends who achieved first class honours yet they are all doing further study and I am stuck battling a stupid illness.

No one is listening because they think that I won't kill myself for my brother's sake. I can't keep thinking about him. I have to put myself first.

[one_step_closer]

Right now I just want to bleed. I want to see lots of blood and fat and I want to go to hospital to be repaired. I like how people can make me better physically.

[tamobhuuta]

don't know if this has been suggested already, but could you give yourself some physical care?

[one_step_closer]

I'm not even sure how to do that.

[tamobhuuta]

how about a bath, with bubbles (of course!), or eating your favourite food. i know it sounds lame but if physical care is what you're after then it can't do any harm to try to look after yourself, without hurting yourself first. what things have made you feel good in the past?

[one_step_closer]

Unfortunately I don't have a bath, only a shower and I hate it and I don't have a favourite food. I eat everything and anything. I'm putting on weight and I hate it. I'm sure someone at the hospital asked me if I was pregnant. Te only times I felt good in the past was when I was really young and went out to play with my brother. I don't enjoy spending time with him now because I feel like i'm having to hold everything inside away from him and like I could hurt him. I just want some attention and care and I feel ashamed about that. I can't imagine ever having a relationship with someone because I am so messed up and might end up relying on them too much if I ever learn to trust them. I wish my Mum and Dad were here and didn't have their own problems, not so that they could look after me but so I could kill myself and my brother would have someone else to rely on.

[tamobhuuta]

what would make like worth living, right in this moment?

[one_step_closer]

Being free from mental illness and knowing that my brother is going to be ok.

[tamobhuuta]

can you do something to free yourself from the illness? for me i find it helps to think it terms of head and me - by writing down your thoughts and beliefs and feelings, and saying which ones come from the 'head' and which from 'me', you can have a bit of freedom from the thoughts that seem to rule you.

[one_step_closer]

I'll try that, thank you.

I'm trying so hard not to self harm because I know i'll go too far and need stitches and I can't let my brother know. I'll have to wait until tomorrow during the day when I could say I was going to see a friend or something. Even more than wanting to self harm I want to go to the train station, maybe just to stand there and look. If I went in the middle of the night do you think someone would be watching the CCTV and see me and call the police or something?

[tamobhuuta]

i don't think you can rely either on someone seeing or not seeing, whichever you wanted from going there. a bit blunt but i don't think trying it would get you anywhere good. xxx