Chapter 109 Frank felt so guilty. He let Gerard do that too him without knowing just a few hours ago he almost did it with Tom.
For the third time that night he felt the tears fall from his eyes and soak the pillow. He slowly turned on his side to face away from Gerard, carefully not to wake up. He stared into the dark room.
Why had his life become such a ****up? What had he done to deserve this. He felt sick. He felt Dirty. He cried like he had never cried before.
Tom entered his home behind Bill finding Kiro, Amy and Hannah sitting at the kitchen table.
"Okay Ich liebe Dich is I love you" said Amy looking at Kiro.
"I loove yoou" said Kiro in a think German accent.
"Okay almost. I love you"
"I love you" Said Kiro. His accent still strong.
Why did Tom have to walk into the conversation at this point? He felt guilty even more. He felt dirty. It was all his fault. It wasn’t Franks, His hormones and emotions were controlling him. What was Toms excuse? He didn’t have one.
He shuffled into the room and sat down at the table and greeted his friends then gave his boyfriend a kiss. No matter what he did know he felt dirty.
He had took advantage of Frank.
Both times Frank had been weak. Both times Frank had been upset. Both times it was Tom making the first move.
He was going to be sick.
Without a second thought Tom jumped up from the table and ran to the toilet only to spill his contents of his stomach and let the tears fall.
Why? Why was he messing up everyones life.
"Are you okay?" asked Kiro walking in to the bathroom and kneeling down to his boyfriend. Tom wrapped his arms around his boyfriend and buried his face in Kiros chest.
"Its all my fault" he sobbed. "If it wasn’t for me, nothing would of happened" He looked up at Kiros face and saw him staring down into his eyes and Kiro wiped Toms tears away. "Kiro, why am I such a screw up?"
Frank lay there. Hours of past, he wasn’t sure how many but he knew a lot. The sun was coming up and Gerard was snoring softly beside him. Carefully he removed Gerards arm from his waist and rose from the bed. He pulled on a t-shirt and made his way downstairs and into the kitchen. He poured himself an orange juice since Gerard had banned him from having coffee, claiming it was bad for the baby.
Frank sat down at the kitchen table and looked down. There was the picture. The picture of his unborn son.
Frank picked up the picture and stared at it.
"I'm so sorry" he whispered and gently kissed the picture.
A couple of hours later Gerard woke up. He rolled over to find an empty space where his boyfriend should have been He had been so worried about Frank lately. He hardly slept and he hardly ate. He got up and threw on some clothes and made his way downstairs.
"Frank?" he shouted and he got no reply.
Before he got the chance to shout again he noticed a white piece of paper on the kitchen table. He walked into the kitchen and picked up the paper.
His name was scribbled on the front in Franks handwriting.
He slowly undid the paper and read the letter. Gee,
I'm so sorry, but I have to go away for a while. I'm leaving for a bit. I'm not going far but I'm not telling you where, I need time on my own. You’ll know why. Don’t worry about me. Ill be with someone who will look after me.
You may want to know why I have gone. You might think its because of you not telling me that you could change me. Maybe you think that’s its because of the cutting.
And to some extent yes it is.
But Gerard, that’s not the whole reason. I couldn’t tell the reason to your face. I couldn’t see you that hurt.
Gerard, I slept with Tom. We almost did again last night, just before you found me in the bathroom. I'm so sorry. I love you so much I never meant to hurt you.
Please go nice on Tom it was as much my fault as it is his. I never tried to stop it. I'm sorry.
I love you so much and I never wanted to hurt you.
I hope you can forgive me. I really do.
You will always be in my heart. I will always think about you.
I will always love you.
Frank. On the back a picture of their son was attached. A tear marked had made the ink run a little. Gerard clutched the picture and letter to his heart. The heart which has a chunk ripped out and stood on. The heard which was no longer complete.
Gerard let his own tears fall and he fell down in a chair.
DILLIGAF
"it’s when you’re acting selflessly, that you are at your bravest"
- Four.
♥
Chapter 110
Gerard got up from his chair and walked over to the top cupboard. He reached in and took out the bottle of familiar clear liquid. He walked back to the table and sat down. Slowly unscrewing the top, he raised the bottle to his lips and was about to sip the contents when the picture of his unborn son caught his eye. In despair, he threw the bottle at the opposing wall, not even flinching as it smashed. He grabbed the picture with the note attached and stormed out of the house. There was one other person involved in this and he was going to give Gerard the answers he wanted.
Tom sat there on the bathroom floor in Kiro’s arms. Kiro didn’t understand what was going on. Tom kept saying things over and over again. Parts of it he understood, but not enough to explain. Tom looked up at him, knowing he needed to tell him, get it over with, probably lose him. He opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted by a loud bang.
Gerard stormed into the house, through the lounge and into the kitchen. The group looked up at him startled, his eyes were glinting red showing that he was extremely angry.
“Where is he? I’ll ****ing kill him.” Snarled Gerard.
“Gee what are you on about? Who?” Asked Mikey.
Gerard glared at his brother and threw the note down on the table, in front of the group. Mikey picked it up and read it aloud for the group to hear, he got to the part where Frank admitted what he’d done and stopped. Bill was the only one who didn’t look shocked. Gerard noticed it too. Before anyone had a chance to react, Gerard had Bill up against the wall in a fit of rage.
“You ****ing knew didn’t you????” He shouted, before drawing his fist back. The group was horrified. Amy was terrified of what Gerard might do to her boyfriend but she was in no condition to help him. Before Gerard hit him, Tom walked into the room.
Gerard looked around and saw Tom standing there, tears still streaming down his face. Any toher time, Gerard would have calmed down but not now. As far as he was concerned two of his best friends had betrayed him and that was unforgivable. Letting go of Bill, Gerard closed the gap between himself and Tom in a few short steps and launched himself at him. Tom didn’t try to stop him, he just let Gerard vent his anger. The punches didn’t compare to the pain he was feeling inside.
Between them, the group managed to pull Gerard off Tom and hold him back, allowing Tom to pick himself up off the floor. Kiro came running in after hearing the commotion and held his boyfriend protectively, shouting obscenities in German at Gerard. Bill looked at Tom,
“I think you need to take Kiro into another room and tell him. He’s the only one who doesn’t know now.”
Tom nodded sadly and led Kiro off.
“Where the **** is he going, I’m not finished!!!!” Snapped Gerard.
Mikey turned to his brother.
“I think you should calm down before you do something stupid. And you need to talk to Frank properly.”
Gerard sank down into a chair,
“He’s gone. I don’t know where he is. Even if I did, He wouldn’t want to talk to me.”
“Gee, you love Frank don’t you?”
Gerard nodded sadly.
“Well then make him talk to you. You’ve been through too much **** to throw it all away now. And have you tried his mothers? That’s the only place he has left to go really.”
Gerard didn’t say anything. He got up off the chair, grabbed the letter and walked through into the lounge. Kiro was sitting next to Tom, tears pouring down his face. Gerard glared at Tom,
“This isn’t over Tom!”
He slowly walked across the road and up to Franks front door, knocking quietly.
Frank’s mom answered straight away,
“Um, Hi Mrs Iero, is….is Frank here.”
“He doesn’t want to see anyone Gerard. I’m sorry. He’s told me ge doesn’t want any visitors.”
“Please! I….I need to talk to him.”
“I’m sorry. Maybe if you come back in a couple of days.”
Gerard looked at the floor sadly.
“Okay, could you tell him something for me though?”
Mrs Iero nodded in response.
“Tell him I love him.”
Chapter 111 Frank sat on his bedroom floor crying. He had cried so much over the last few days. All he can remember is doing is crying. At this minute he felt worse than we his father attacked him. The pain from the attacks was nothing to what he felt now.
He felt worthless. He felt Dirty. He felt nothing.
He was completely numb.
He had been sitting there hours and hours. Just staring at the space on the wall infront of him. He just sat there letting the tears run. Not acknowledging them. Not acknowledging anything. Not him. Not anyone.
He wished he could turn back time. Turn back time to before he even met Gerard. Turn back time to when his life wasn’t a mess.
Jo quietly tapped on the bedroom door. Frank didn’t acknowledge that either.
She slowly opened the door and walked into the room. "Frankie, mom made some dinner" she said, looking at her brother. She had never seen him so upset, so weak, so vunerable. He upset her and she wished she could hug him and make it better. To make all his pain go away. He was her big brother, he was meant to be the strong one. The one that rubs her back and tells her everything is going to be okay. Today was the day she had finally seen him break down. It broke her heart. It broke their mothers heart.
"I'm not hungry" Frank whispered still not taking his gaze off the spot on the wall. His body was on auto pilot. Nothing he was doing was registering with him.
"Frankie you’ve got to eat, for you and the baby" she said "Come on" Jo held out her hand to help her brother up. "Its your favourite"
Frank put his hand in hers and pulled himself up. She gave him a weak smile and took him downstairs.
Tom curled on the couch. The others had left him to be on his own, time to think. Well that’s what they said. They were probably too disgusted with him to even be in the same house as him anymore.
Tom flinched as he moved to get more comfortable. Bruises were already forming over his small body. He hadn’t fought back against Gerard. He didn’t see the point. He dissevered every punch he got. Every slap. Every bruise.
None of the psychical pain compared to the immense pain and guilt he was feeling inside. It was eating him up.
Slowly and carefully he reached for his phone off the nearby table and dialled. A few seconds later a voice greeted him on the other end of the phone.
"Yes, one single ticket to Germany please, as soon as possible"
Frank slowly ate his dinner. He didn’t feel like eating, he wasn’t even enjoying it that much. But he knew he needed. He had hardly eaten in the past few days and it was beginning to take its toll on his body. He needed sleep too but he would save that for later. He couldn’t sleep now. He had too much on his mind. He had heard Gerard at the door. Begging to see him and it broke his heart. But he knew he had to be alone right now. He had to think things through and Gerard to calm down. Frank knew what Gerard was capable of when he was angry and he didn’t want to risk his health any more.
Tom dragged his suitcase out of his bedroom and headed to the door before taking a final look around the house and opened the door. He had left a note so Kiro and Bill knew where he was. Amy and Hannah would understand parts but not all of it. He didn’t think they would miss him anyway. They probably all hated him right now. And to be honest he didn’t blame them.
"Id never taken you to be someone who ran away from their problems" came a voice. Tom spun around and came face to face with Gerard
DILLIGAF
"it’s when you’re acting selflessly, that you are at your bravest"
- Four.
♥
