I hope the trauma work, scary as it is, will be helpful in working through your experiences, I think it's incredibly strong and brave and shows real perseverance to try it again. Can you think of any healthier ways to feel in control? I would try and suggest some but my head is a bit blah atm.
Last edited by Buttons. : 21-01-2016 at 02:25 PM.
Reason: Decided to make a separate post for my current issues.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell. Oscar Wilde
Its hard to dance with the devil on your back. Sydney Carter
I can identify with that feeling, is there anything you can do to perhaps self soothe such as listen to calming music, do some colouring, try some deep breathing exercises e.g breathing slowly in imagining your breath as a calming colour bringing peace and calm in to you, and breathing slowly out imagining your breath as a negative colour, visualising breathing out all the negative emotions you are experiencing and them disappearing into the air.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell. Oscar Wilde
Its hard to dance with the devil on your back. Sydney Carter
The images won't stop. I can feel it happening in my body. I don't want to be in this fat body. I'm consumed by it . My therapy session was awful I couldn't alter the script. I feel ripped to shreds but I look like I can cope. I'm so sorry I'm a waste of space.
I'm not sure where else to post this... I need to get these memories off of my chest. Or they're going g to kill me. I'm sorry if this is triggering guys if it is in the wrong spot of something please let me know.
I dont know if i like the word "bullied" because it trivializes what happened. It was more than that, it was like being in an abusive relationship, one where the abuser is more than one person and nobody wants to help you. I was tormented daily, and stalked throughout the day by several of them. I've been called so many names I could write a book of them. I've had things thrown at me by a mob of kids. I've been beaten and rocks and/or sharp objects thrown at me. Once I was attacked by a daycare attendant's high-schools age brother, on more than one occasion and more than one day. I was probably 6 or 7. Ive been kicked repeatedly on the ground by a circle of kids. The worst was in middle school, 6th grade.
One bully out of the lot, Gabe, took things to another level entirely. He followed me in hallways. He made sure he got in one good tease, hit, or grab at least twice a day. Him and three of his freinds just had a problen with me from day one. Thr first day of school they were talking behind me and he asked his buddy Greg "if you could shoot anybldy in this room who would in be" and the other replied "this kid (me) in front of me." Gabe agreed. There was no reason. They weren't interested in the lesson. There was just something about me that set them off. I was weak, shy, awkward, and abnormal. They were big (much bigger, I'm betting two of them had flunked some grades), dumb, farm-boy types.
Gabe and his group would take advantage of the time in class before the teacher arrived. I'd be punched, laughed at, hurt. Usually never to the point of making marks. If they did I hid them. They always got their way because eventually I'd get mad and fight back and be blamed for it once "help" arrived, because there I'd be swearing and fighting and they would act like nothing happend. The three of then knew how to act and they fooled everyone. One time Gabe tripped me and caused me to fall. I landed on my arm and did something to my wrist that I'm pretty sure sprained it. My whole arm went numb with a splintering pain, I almost threw up. I went, actually crying from the pain, to the gym teacher and she ignored me - she felt I was a troublemaker and brought it all on myself. Gabe found me and told me if I told anyone else he'd break my arm. So I never did. I couldn't write the rest of that day, I had to pretend it didn't hurt and try and write by just wiggling my arm and hand a little. This wrist still hurts on particular days or if I overwork it.
I mentioned that they followed me from place to place. They did this and more. They made sure to get seata close to me at any class or gathering. Lunch was about the only time they left me be, mainly because their interest in food was the one thing that overshadowed their interest in abusing. Any sort of outdoor recess would guarantee me to be followed and harassed. One of them got my phone number from someone I thought was a friend and would call my house to bother me, making threats and calling me things...
The next paragraph is something I've been holding in, I really only have ever told my wife and I don't know if she even knows how far this went. I ignored it myself, buried it because it was just too painful and shameful. I heard a song called Me and a Gun the other day by a singer by the name of Tori Amos and nearly broke down because it all came rushing back.
Gabe. He did more than just bully. He got off on it, emotionally and sexually. I was a fat little kid and he would grab my chest (man-boobs, you know) and ass. He'd pinch hard enough to bruise me. He would call me "sexy thing" and whistle. This escalated until one day, before the teacher came in for the morning, he pushed me down on the floor. Then he straddled my back. Nobody tried to stop this - many thought he was just playing cowboy which is how he acted it. Im not talking about hands-and-knees on the floor. I was flat on my stomach, face pushed into the carpet, pinned down. The other kids didn't care. A lot of them were laughing and many others just sort of tured a blind eye. I was the only one who knew what was really going on because I could feel the... part of him... pressing into my back. He "rode" me for a few minutes.. I was terrified, ashamed, horrified. I was afraid the other kids would think i caused it. I had no understanding of sex at that time, by I had some ideas this was part of it. He managed to get a rumor started later that year that i was gay, and that became part of their jeering as well. Thank God he never actually completely raped me... What happened was bad enough and I still shiver now thinking about it 18 years later.
Feeling shaken, soiled, and unlikeable. And in a few weeks I've got to verbally tell this to my therapist and I have no idea how.
I feel like crawling out my skin there is too much of me. Too much fat . Everything is loud. There is noise in my head . I keep seeing child me. I hate me and I hate her. I am and she is all the bad words he said.
I just posted in the venting forum about my abuse and I used his name
we are the fallen
we are the wounded
we are the shattered
we are the unheard
we are the brave
we are the strong we are Survivors. and..... we are the future
we fallen can still rise by the wings of hope that lifts us~
we are the fallen
we are the wounded
we are the shattered
we are the unheard
we are the brave
we are the strong we are Survivors. and..... we are the future
we fallen can still rise by the wings of hope that lifts us~
Ducklin - I'm a little better today because I've been busy mainly. Last night was awful. Tried to go to sleep early because my second job is newspaper delivery at 2am and I hadn't slept well the previous night. Went into flashback mode instead. Spent about three hours tossing and turning, feeling his hands on my back, slamming me against the floor, feeling him against me. I don't like people touching my back unless I really really trust them and this is why. Ended up cutting after newspapers route because I couldn't shake that sensation. Really bad. Now feeling stupid and useless. Sorry for my whine.
Wow that sounds awful FallenWings. What's he doing to your freinds? Is it something you can report? Be safe friend. Also your signature is awesome.
Last edited by OmegaWolf86 : 01-02-2016 at 12:10 AM.
Rapeing them
No because if I do he will hurt them more and he will make them so scared that they won't tell the truth..........
we are the fallen
we are the wounded
we are the shattered
we are the unheard
we are the brave
we are the strong we are Survivors. and..... we are the future
we fallen can still rise by the wings of hope that lifts us~
