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A Saturday Night Story - Trafalgar rewritten
Just over 200 years ago Admiral Lord Nelson won an epic naval battle at Cape Trafalgar, off the coast of Spain. The story of the battle has been retold many times in the intervening years, mainly to renditions of "Hearts of Oak are our ships, Jolly Tars are our men" at which our national pride has swelled.
But, these days, things are rather different, and a current version - in those schools which might be prepared to admit that we have any sort of proud history - is more likely to read as follows:
Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability". "What sort of gobbledygook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting "England" past the censors, in case it was considered racist".
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let's splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with the battle. Full speed ahead!"
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water".
Nelson: "Damn it, man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir. No harness. And they said the rope ladder doesn't meet regulations."
Nelson:"Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle, Admiral.
Nelson: "Wheelchair access! I've never heard of anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons".
Hardy: "Actually, the men are a bit worried about shooting anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What! This is mutiny!"
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers on board watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually sir, we're not. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water now. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ships diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You could be up on a disciplinary ..."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multi-cultural age. Now put on your kevlar vest sir, it's the rules."
Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and bloody safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
Nelson: "So, what about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe it's to be encouraged, sir."
Nelson: "In that case - kiss me, Hardy!"
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