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bpd/bulimia moods, food and suicide
sorry really long ramble, but any advice/experiences would be appreciated.
i find bpd really hard to deal with, i am not what you would call a functioning BPD at all. i'm seventeen i don't have a life, nor have i been in education for over 2 years and i don't have hobbies. i have a few friends who i may go out to see twice a week and am incredibly isolated. i haven't been out of inpatient more than 8 weeks and have had three admissions resulting in losing nearly a year of my life in total to those **** holes.
things have gone downhill soooo quickly it's scary, i have returned to self-harming and am i guess ~actively suicidal~ it makes me so upset because this last admission i really had turned things around and made a big difference. everyone was so proud and i have returned to how i was before, it's been pointless apart from keeping me alive.
i am sad and dislike life all the time, i want to sleep forever and just not deal with stuff.
but then the binges come along and trigger awful moods where i can't live a moment longer, i want to die because the thought of gaining weight is just awful and i can't deal with it. i am no longer fighting the urges and if i had the means to do so i think i would and i kind of finding myself persuading myself if i am temporarily happy that i want to die and will be much better off that way.
i just don't know what to do, food controls my mood or is it just bpd?
if i am doing well with the ed (well, restricting and over exercising) then i am still equally upset by it because it takes up so much of my time. weighing myself, weighing food out, food shopping takes HOURS and idk, i just don't know what to do. no one understands it. ):
i am so confused as to why i keep reminding myself about being suicidal, why my intake is controlling my mood even when i haven't binged or just why to everything. i don't even know how to begin breaking it down into more manageable chunks. i'm wondering whether meds might help my mood lift generally, making suicide seem less attractive when i do binge because i would have other valuable things in my life. people have said i need to get routine and have something to get up for each day but the sadness makes seeing friends a chore, i hate going out, hate staying in, hate company, hate being alone and i know i should be helping myself but i don't know where to start.
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