A fleeting glimpse of me...

[Zurg]

　
Sometimes,amidst all the drinks and pills and wounds, i dare to dream of love. Not the sick and twisted love but the true thing. Not the kind of love that leaves bruises on your skin and soul like the last time. The other kind of love. The good kind of love. The kind of love that makes you want to keep going. To live another day. I dream of this sometimes. Just for a few minutes. Just long enough to forget how much it hurts. How much i have been hated. How alone i am.

I seek it here. And there. And everywhere. But no. It has not come to me yet. Maybe it never will. Each passing day time gets shorter. One minute, one hour, one day closer to the end. And nothing. So i'm losing hope. Losing sight of goodness. Wondering if i really am gonna die as lonely as i feel..... It doesn't hurt as much as i thought it would. Or maybe i'm growing older and colder. Who knows???? I certainly don't.

So sometimes i dream of love. I dream of meeting someone like myself. Someone who won't be afraid to see me, really SEE me. Not afraid to feel me. To hurt with me, scream with me and cry with me. Someone who can see past the wounds and scars and not run away in fear. Someone i can love and allow to love me. Because it won't be easy. And it's gonna hurt. It's really, really gonna hurt. But hope is born the moment i am not alone anymore. To find myself in someone else. A rare gift. To find the someone who will lead me home. I dare to dream of this.

But alas, nothing. I am not pretty. I am not happy. I'm hard to look at and impossible to feel. When people look at me they are reminded how cruel the world can be. Wounded and scarred by a lifetime of pain. It's not a pretty sight. So they look away. I see them look away. Some in fear, some in pain. It's like my pain is contagious. It pours out of my eyes as it pours out of my wounds. It can hurt to look at me. I don't like looking at me...... Why should anyone else?????

I'd really like to be like the girls in the magazines. Skinny, pretty and interesting. And no scars and wounds. A perfect body. A perfect mind. Bliss. Just for ONE day i'd like to be one of those girls. Someone that people like to look at. And not turn away in fear. Not be reminded of the pain.

But i carry my pain on my skin. And in my eyes. The wars i fought, they took place on my skin. My blood turned to poison. My eyes pouring with sorrow.

THat is not a nice image. Not a perfect person. Someone hurt and lonely and longing for the kind of love that could make the pain subside. To find someone who can look at me and not turn away in fear. Someone who can bear to be with me and not crumble. Someone strong. Someone who KNOWS. Someone who can help me repair the damage that was done to me. By hatred. BY fear. BY countless misunderstandings. I don't want to be alone anymore.

I need you to come and find me. I have been alone for so long. I keep stumbling through the abyss but i'm losing strength. Don't know how long i can keep going. If you are out there i really need you to find me..... I need your help. I need your love. I need you to stop the noise......

[Casper_Fading]

Hey honey I just want to saaaay...

I LOVE YOU!!!!!! *massive cuddles* you're a sweetheart kat and you've been there for me when you've been going through so much **** of your own. I also know a secret... Wanna here?

*whispers*

YOU CAN DO IT!

Yep. I know you can. I can't make things stop but I can hold your hand and be here while you're going through stuff.

Love you sweetheart.

[Zurg]

Thanks Jess *hugs you back* It means a lot to me!!!!!
And thanks for the hugs guys.

Well, it has taken me almost 8 years to be ready for a significant other. Now the question is where to find such a person. All i know is that i don't wanna be alone anymore. But i'm not easy to be around. I know that much about myself.

I suppose the scarring alone is enough to scare most people away.... I don't often regret what i have done to myself but sometimes i do. Then add the piercings and tattoos. I'm not exactly the "pretty" type of girl.

Some say that love come when you don't look for it. I haven't been looking for almost 8 years but it still hasn't come. Ok, ok, maybe i have been wearing an expression that says "stay the hell away from me!!!" And maybe i have purposedly ignored anyone who made a pass. *ahem*

But now i'm becoming ready. ANd i have no clue what i'm gonna do about it..... THis is pretty embaressing. I'm 29 ffs. I have never dated. Only had one boyfriend and he was a violent dumb ****. I'd prefer someone not like that this time.

*looks under rocks*

[Pomegranate]

I understand this is a painful area for you and in your head there are loads of potential 'road blocks' to overcome in order for you to find what you are searching for and get the love and care that you yearn for and deserve. I do truely believe though that you have probably overcome the biggest one by getting yourself to a place where you want and feel ready for that. It is a big step, and not easy, especially when you have been emotionally and physically hurt in the past.

I don't think tattoos and piercings and scars render you incapable of being attractive or cared for though. Maybe the person for you is not 'the boy next door' or sports type. Maybe it is somebody also a little unique. I guess what I am trying to say is that people with scars, tattoos, life experience, piercings are not 'write offs' when it comes to love. I don't know you well but I do believe you are funny, sensitive, intelligent and caring and I think those qualities are far more important than whether or not you look like Angelina Jolie.

[Zurg]

Thank you for your reply, Emma. It means a lot.

I suppose it makes it harder that i'm really self destructive. I also find it hard to believe that anyone could love me seeing as i have always been told that i'm not good enough. I'm alive against all odds because a lot of people would have liked nothing more than to see me dead. And often enough, i still feel like i should have died.

I hope i can find someone a bit like myself some day. To see yourself in someone else, that is a rare gift. I don't have all the time in the world though.....

Maybe there is hope. Maybe even hope for me.....

[Casper_Fading]

I found my man on a dating site :P And i don't regret it at all!

[Merc]

Agree with Ems, here..you are finally in a spot where you are more ready for it.
But, Kat...you need to learn to love YOU, too.
Yes, I understand how hard that is for you, with all the **** you have been given, for so many years, and from so many ppl.
But I hope it can happen soon.
You are just such an amazing person, you really are.
xxx

[~Grace~]

things will happen when you least expect it...all will be fine xx