I’m really not sure where this should go and I’m new here so I’m really sorry if this is in the wrong place….
My boyfriend has PTSD. He was abused his whole childhood. It just got away from it last year. He has flashbacks and nightmares around me sometimes…what should I do when he’s having one? It’s really odd because sometimes he’ll want me to hug him and tell him it’s ok, but other times if I try that he’ll just get worse and push me way like he’s scared of me.
He also says I’m the “only one” he can trust and is only telling me things that I think/know his therapist should know, and then there are big gaps of things I think he wants to tell me, but I don’t want to know (I know that sounds really mean) and he’s really embarrassed by. And I don’t know if I should try letting him vent to me about it or not. I just don’t know what to do….help?
Well it really is a daunting task when you're close to someone with PTSD. What I'd found works well to stop flashbacking is spraying someone with water during it. First I try the hands and arms and if it doesn't work in their face. Always stand back in case, because people can kick and punch really forcefully w/o realizing you're there. With the hugging/not hugging thing, just ask him each time if he wants to be close. If he doesn't, just talk to him calmly at a distance and remind him he's safe, the abusers are not there, and maybe even the date and location he's in. Make note of what his triggers are, and do your best to avoid them. (Ex: if he's triggered by belts, don't wear any and don't go by that rack in the store). If there are trigger situations that are somewhat unavoidable (such as sexual encounters, certain colors, etc) try to develop techniques to ground him so he doesn't flashback. Ex: "It's okay honey, I know there's a red car is on the corner but it doesn't belong to ---. You're safe and it's 2010, and they can't hurt you anymore."
As for being the only one, I think you really need to convince him to tell his therapist. Maybe even have a session where you go with him to coax him into trusting him/her more. It's not mean to not want to hear horrible things, you're human too and no one likes to hear about that. Also, since you don't want him to vent things to you, then you not be sure what to say to him about it, or say the wrong thing. He'll be very vulnerable, and when people have been abused that badly as children they are often in a childish mindset when they talk about it. So, he may react angrily if you don't know what to say to make him feel better, as a child might. Tell him that you love him and maybe you'll be willing to go to some sessions with him, but you really want to make sure he gets the proper help.
Also, how old is he? And how old are you for that matter? PTSD can be majorly serious, especially from extreme child abuse, because the brain has developed in that enviorment. PM me if you have any other questions. -Tracie
Farewell the Ashtray Girl
July 12, 1987-April 30, 2010
Be careful around him during flashbacks though, in the past I have hurt my partner by hitting/kicking out as my brain had me conviced that it wasnot him but was one of the abusers.
Him speaking to his therapist may take time... I can't think of a single thing that I have spoken to a doctor/psych about without first sharing it either on here or with my partner. I don't know why... I guess it just feels easier, once you've said these things they become more "real" feeling, but the more times you say them the easier it gets until eventually sharing them with a psych/therapist feels possible. However, on the other side I can understand why you would not want to hear about such things, esspecially when these things happened to a person you care about. Maybe you could encourage him to keep a journal? That way he can vent and rant and even record flashbacks (I find it helps to write them down and sort of document them) without you having to hear all the details
troubleshooter thank you so much. I'll try the water spraying thing. :)
Sometimes I don't know if he wants me close or not because he offten doesn't say anything as a reply if I ask him something when he's having a flashback. He'll speak, but most of the it's a cry for help like "make him/it stop". And that's the most heartbreaking thing in the world for me because I can't/don't know how to just make it stop, and when he says that I'm not even sure if he's really talking to me. Thanks so much for the advice. :)You have been so helpful. It's kinda funny that you said red car because red is a color that triggers him. For a little bit I thought if I did wear red around him it would show him that is wasn't always a bad color...:/ That did not end well, and I now no longer wear red around him at all...but still it seems like red things are everywhere. I will have to ask him about doing that with his therapist. That sounds like a very good idea. We're both 18. yes, I know to be carefull. :( He's told me he's scared that he'll hurt me when he's haveing one because He has hurt himself during and after flashbacks and nightmares. But I wasn't sure if that had anything to do with the fact that he si's too though. I think he already does keep a journal. I'm not sure though, so I will have to ask him about that too. Thanks again you guys!
You should never touch him WHILE he is having a flashback, because as said before you could be hurt. Once he comes out of it is when it would be good to ask if he wants to be held. During intense flashbacks many people can't really hear what's going on, it's like they're physically stuck in a memory, but physical sensations on the outside will effect them. If that's an issue maybe get him a comforting object like a blanket or teddy bear so even when he doesn't want touch he can get some physical comfort. (Sometimes pets are good for that too, but they need to be pets that want to cuddle at times like this.) And yeah, color triggers can drive you nuts. You never notice how much certain colors or things are around until you look for them! (One of the people Im realy close with with PTSD has a trigger with the color pink). If the color trigger is that severe he should try to get a bit more comfy with it in therapy, but...otherwise it's best to let it be! With SI that can be unconscious or conscious. If someone is in a "fighting" flashback they could injure themselves much like someone with a seizure might, banging around against walls and floors. SI CAN be done in disociated states, but I think most injuries during a flashback are probably accidental. He's still really young. I'm sure with help he'll be able to function better. :) Good luck.
Farewell the Ashtray Girl
July 12, 1987-April 30, 2010
