Triggering (SI/Abuse) - bullied every day and getting so tired of it

[frida]

i get bullied verbally nearly every day.

and no, i'm not a child or teenager at school- i'm 27 and have just finished university.

i'm fat- really obese. but i'm this way for several reasons.

i am taking massive doses of medication for mental health issues. one of these drugs is a mood-stabiliser which has effect of increasing my appetite. in past i have been on anti-psychotics and those had effect of causing Dystonia, a muscle-spasm condition. So i can only do gentle exercise and am in great deal of pain just from a few yards on bad days. plus, i was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome aged 21, and have been addicted to food since i was an infant. i don't mean just the odd pig-out, i mean actual binges and occasional laxative abuse.

i have always been bullied and my father was abusive to me and one of the ways in which he was cruel was putting me down about my size.

my father is a survivor of abuse and insecure, so i can understand his bullying and some of the people who bullied me at school had big issues, but it seems that EVERYONE in public has a comment on my size. i can't believe that ALL these people are typical bullies, and it saddens me to think that they can be so careless about others feelings. i feel worthless.

what hurts me most is that many of them are adults and should know better. in the evenings, people abuse me in public when they are drunk but during the day people say things too when they are sober. teengae girls hang about whispering and looking at me.

i cannot just stay indoors, because if i do that my mind suffers and i get down.



this has always happened to me to some extent but its getting worse now.

i have past history of self-harm and attacks of rage and i have spent all my life trying to prove to people that i'm not worthless. i have felt bad about myself for so long.

im a Christian, and i know i must forgive my enemies, but i get this hassle all the time.

and please....if you reply to this thread, please don't just say i should go on a diet...i have spent my life dieting and bingeing and i dont believe crash dieting is the answer.

[Lindsey]

I have a friend who has similar issues to you and it's so unfair because she is one of the sweetest kindest people I know and she wouldn't hurt anyone else so it's utter crap that people treat her like this.

She's gay and we were with a bunch of other gay friends and they were talking about people making comments at them in the street, and she said that she gets far more abuse for being overweight than she ever would for being gay.

One weekend we were at a festival, and there were a lot of drunk people and I could not believe the things people were shouting at her and saying. It was absolutely disgusting and I wanted to say something to them but she didn't want to cause a fuss.

This is a bit useless, sorry, I just wanted to say that I know that people don't think and never consider that there's something medically wrong. And are rude and ignorant.

[Stellata]

Everyone has the 'potential' to behave in a bullying way from time to time, but that doesn't make everyone who makes those comments 'a bully'. Does that perspective make sense?
Now, I'm going to take a bit of a risk here. It's coming from my own understanding of having endured bullying all my growing up and teen years, and then having recent re-enactments of it from random strangers. [bullied because of my vulnerability and defences against it. long story.]
What I'm thinking is - and this is quite a leap here - is that it's possible that your rage is so so huge, it's manifesting physically as a kind of energy field, that people interpret as physical size. [yeah. I know it's a bit of an off the wall concept...] And it's also possible that in some part of you you even make more of your physical size to intimidate people - and it backfires, because also of your insecurities and the fear of the attacks from others.
It's complex, I know.

So. My other perhaps off the wall idea is to start to work with your rage. [I've had very public rage attacks at times too, connected with being a bullying survivor.] It's completely understandable you'd be so angry. Find some creative and safe ways to express it. Exploring healthy alternative ways of comforting yourself could also be a good place to start.

You're not worthless. That's just what people who behave in bullying ways want you to believe, to compensate their own low self worth, bullying you to make them feel 'bigger' than you.

((hugs you gently))

[shadow-light]

i think that often when we've been bullied in the past we can become sensitive to similar behaviors... for example I cannot cope with people whispering or laughing, I get convinced they are whispering or laughing about me... maybe your experiences of people in the street are similar?


have youspoken to a doctor about yor weight? with your mention of laxitive abuse it's obviously something that's bothering you... I know that polyclastic ovaries makes loosing weight very hard and the dystonia (I knew what that was too :P I was runnign a campaign a few weeks ago during dystonia awareness week in Aberdeen for it) makes exercising complicated, but there still may be something that they can do.
however... it may be in part a self-esteem issue? especially as you mentioned binging, maybe the first point to work on is your self-esteem and assertiveness?

do you have any offline support at all? for the past abuse and bullying especially?