Triggering (SI/Suicide) - Help. Please?

[sunshine!]

I've been feeling low for a while now, I'm currently under the care of the crisis resolution team who I've been seeing daily, and today I had a really helpful chat with one of them and was generally feeling more positive about everything. I went out, and actually enjoyed myself a bit, it was a good distraction.

I got home about four hours ago. I decided that actually, I still want to die.
I have a method planned, it's something I've been thinking about for ages, but have always managed to avoid in the past.

I decided to burn myself. I have used this as a method of self harm in the past, so I knew that it would provide some sort of relief, and I guess sickeningly I sort of used it as a test run, to see if I could take the pain.
I can. My plans can be put in action now.

Rid the world of evil.
That's what I'll do.
A bit of pain, nothing less than I deserve.
Enough to protect anyone who will ever come into contact with me.
It's for the best.

Maybe I don't want to die.
Maybe I just feel like I need to.
I don't know what to do.

My leg hurts. Well, no shit right?
It probably needs looking at, not tonight but tomorrow maybe.
But any person that sees it is going to be disgusted.
And will probably think I'm crazy.
But what can they do? refer me to the crisis team?
Oh ho ho, already with them.

I don't feel safe.

Destruction everywhere I go.

[*..life in pain..*]

i can relate to many things that you said. im sorry you feel this way. please distract yourself, don't kill yourself, you will feel happiness in your life, but not if you are dead. you want to be free from the pain, but you won't see or feel it if you aren't here. talk to the crisis team. they are able to help you. i know things may be so hard right now, but you can get through this. keep fighting sweetie.