I seem to be struggling with what my doctor has termed "intrusive thoughts" They are negative things that seem to come from nowhere and dominate my mind.
Death, death, death - I can't get it out of my head, I need to be dead, I want to be dead, I should be dead. If I am lucky, something will make me dead. Now don't confuse this with being suicidal, it is close to that, but there is no action associated, it is just thoughts. Granted, if they continue, we all know the path this takes.
Cut, cut, cut - Every scar seems to glow, crying out for another next to it, just one more, right here, this would be a good time, no one will see it
Run, run, run - Where, I don't know, how, I am too fat and old to run anywhere. Escape, disappear, the world will be better if you are hidden away. The kids will be better without you, everything improves without you.
They continue, but I am rambling. Thoughts, suggestions, insights, insults, anything
I see such things as strong shadow-dark self annihilation fantasies. They're so strong and enduring because the agony of it all has become deeply embedded over the years. It can be tough to shift your centre of balance. Did your dr suggest any ways of coping? The best way I know is to work things through in therapy, talk about it.
I suffered similar when I was in my mid-twenties. I wasn't in therapy then, but even talking about them years later has been a weight off my mind.
It sounds like perhaps yourself has been lost in the equation that is your life. What would it take to bring you back?
Aww Jeff *massive hugs* I'm sorry. I know how awful those thoughts can be when they plague you. I've been there... still there now, at least ,some what.
I wish I had some thoughts, suggestions, or insights but I do not. I am sorry, though, that you are experiencing this right now and I wish I could help.
Much love
Ally
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
This isn't you talking, this is the disease of Clinical Depression inside you saying these things. As you fight it, it is fighting for control. It is fighting for its life.
The scars are just evidence of how awful you feel inside. Of course you know how addictive the self injuring itself is. Even if no one else sees them, you know they are there and show how scarred you feel inside. I've been fighting the urge to scarify for a year.
You can't run away from yourself. You can't run away from your feelings. I tried. Even when I was young and fit I couldn't do it.
Your kids totally lose without you. (So does your nut of a sis in California.)
I've found that I can't make the voices go away. I just through practice and habit, can usually tune them out. But not always.
The voices are the disease. They are not the wonderful loving father and friend that you are.
I have hugs and cuddles and big strong shoulders when you want or need them.
Love you Bro!
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
Heh, i have those too. Yesterday talking to the doc i told him how scared i was that my neurosis would become psychosis. I have a constant "nasty Matthew" sniping at me all the time. I think of suicide pretty much each day. Usually the last thing at night and i wake up to it also. Im usually beating myself up mentally during the day and completely un-doing any good that has happened shortly after its happened.
So i gues i can kinda relate.
My advice and its not easy is distraction. If you are depressed you probabyl dont have the energy to move or motivate yourself to do anything but when i can get out i feel a lot better. Just oging to the shop or picking up a prescription or raking some leaves or walking the dog takes my mind away from the thoughts. 10 minutes of freedom can last a couple of hours.
Also watching some comedy helps too. not sure if you like comedy shows but i seriously recommend investing in some.
When my brain idles i think too much. My problem is i just cant find the motivation and energy to do something about it half the time, but when i do its so much more quiet.
What a special turn of events this week has brought. Appointment with therapist cancelled as I was pulling into the parking lot, she had an emergency. We rescheduled, that one has been cancelled, now they can't get me back in for two weeks. The "intrusive thoughts" are not as loud as they have been, but they are far more pervasive. I think I live in so much chaos that the whisper has more impact than the yelling. The quiet thoughts stick more than the loud ones.
I threw away a months worth of being SI free, I can't decide if it was worth it. I do know that I want to do more. Lovely addiction, decreasing benefit, increasing need to do it.
Its been two weeks without my evening meds, thinking that I should stop the morning ones too. Morning meds have always been easier to remember for some reason, plus my blood pressure medicines are part of the morning meds. If I skip those my head starts pounding by the afternoon so I have learned through pain not to miss the morning. I guess I don't have to include the antidepression meds when I take my morning pills. Wonder how long it will take to get to the point where the thoughts become action. Probably not very long at all.
For me the loud ones are easier to cope with too. I know they are there to be shouted back at. I know they are intruisive because they are so blatant. The quieter ones are more sneaky to me though. They come as friends. They hold me by the shoulder as a confidant would and whisper that its all a waste of time and that so and so is only doing x,y or z because blah blah blah. for me the quiet ones twist and turn everything. They seem more reasoned and calculated. The loud ones just shout and they lose their potency by their very nature.
Does that sound odd? I know my thoughts arent delusional. I still have insight into them. The thought of them becoming more delusional scares me to death.
I think worrying about it is a healthy response. It means you are questioning and you know its a problem. when you become 100% acceptant then its time to take more serious action against them.
Reading this thread i can identify with so much in it. I also have "intrusive thoughts" but didnt know a name for them. I am struggling with them and often it would seem a good idea to listen to them i feel.
Hope you start to cope better soon.
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Memento Mori
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Live your dream? Or Dream your life?
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I can't hug people in real life and online it makes me feel like a lier.
Just keep on hanging on there... I know it's tough.. I've had those battles before; and the only thing that would keep them away is keeping my mind so occupied with other stuff (not that it is easy to push those thoughts away). Sometimes reading something you enjoy can help.. i've found that has helped me, if i've had the energy/motivation to read.
I feel for you; keep on fighting, keep telling yourself that you are stronger than the thoughts... you can win.
Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness.
Every act creates a ripple with no logical end. ~ Scott Adams
I urge you to contact the supporters.
They are members of RYL just like you
They are simply here to listen and give
you some extra support - not to pass
judgement or anything. Just to care.
We're all in the same game;
Just different levels.
Dealing with the same hell;
Just different demons.
Well, I go see psych doc this am. Think I will mention the meds thing to her, hate to admit it. Started as simple oversight, ballooned into intentional self-harm via medication miss (hurting oneself by failing to act) I am just sick enough to get some perverse pleasure out of hurting myself by NOT doing something, how wrong is that?
I guess I will know what is going to happen when I am sitting in the office, do I "man up" and tell her what I have done and how I am feeling, or do I continue pretending? I would swear that I planned on doing better this time, but somehow, I am following similar paths to all my other times in treatment.
What a mess, decisions decisions, perhaps I will make the right one for a change.
I hope you make the right decision Jeff. Messing with one's meds isn't kosher. I speak from experience from not being med compliant. Can I ask you a question, did you just go cold turkey off of them or wean off of them?
Cait, to answer your question, I quit cold turkey, didn't mean to at first, just forgot one night, then the next, etc. When I realized, I chose to continue without (yes, it's called self-destructive behavior)
I told the doctor what I had been doing, and how I am feeling. Go figure, one of the meds that I have not been taking is supposed to help quiet the intrusive thoughts. Hmmm, I know there is a lesson here somewhere, let me think . . . nope, not getting it.
I am going to attempt to do better, but not going to make any promises to anyone. I cannot do more than that.
