One the one hand I identify as asexual, seeing as I don't experience sexual attraction, and I generally find unexpected physical contact with people uncomfortable - it triggers anxiety.
But I just got back from visiting my girlfriend, and I simply cannot understand my behaviour over the past night/day. It's like - if I wasn't close to her, or in contact with her than I started feeling really insecure and wanted to cry and felt like SIing. I was even initiating sex, which I usually find embarrassing.
The following content has been hidden - Reason : my weird thought process
It wasn't a whole "I think you're attractive and that makes me want to have sex with you." It was an "I think you're gorgeous and sweet and kind and intelligent but I don't look at you and feel as though I want to have sex with you. But right now I really really need to be close close close to you, please, I'll even initiate the sex to feel as close as possible, need hurt, need sex" kind of thing.
I don't know what to think. I'm certain I'm asexual, and I'm okay with that. It's just the craving touch that's unsettling me. I haven't told Chelle that I was feeling that way (although she'll probably read this), but I don't know what to do. I feel bad about it all.
For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know… we’re not what we’ve seen
For this dance we’ll move with each other
There ain’t no other step than one foot
Right in front of the other
hun touch isnt a bad thing and i know it can seem like it sometimes and maybe you are asexual but maybe your not but in the end of the day it doesnt really matter all that matters is that you feel safe and that will feel comfortable in what you do and if you feel safe and somfortable then its ok no matter what type of sexual group you fall under. i know its hard to not know whats going on in your thought process but sometimes things just cant be explained and i know thats not very comforting but its the truth. maybe you should try and explain it to you GF it might help. and personally i would rather someone had the thought process i think your sweet and want to have sex with you than the i think your fit and want to have sex with you. try and talk it out with her it may help.
pm me if you need anything.
*safe hugs*
I agree :) the fact that you have a real connection with her, not just a sexual lust-type thing should make it easier to talk to her about it.
my boyfriend understands that I will never truly enjoy sex for the sex itself, but it makes me feel protected and close to him. i have days when I cannot stand being touched even by my mum and days that I touch and hug anybody I feel remotely comfortable with, its a sort of security thing and it keeps my feet on the ground.
does your girlfriend know that you identify as asexual?
Yeah, both my partners know I identify as asexual. And I'm ok with sex with them because I trust them; the asexuality isn't a major thing to me.
But I've no idea why I was so bloody needy, that's what's really annoying/worrying me. I don't know why I felt insecure or why I needed to hurt, and I don't really want it to get associated with sex because that probably can't end well in any situation.
And I just feel bad about feeling this way. It's no one's fault but mine.
Last edited by ghosts in the machine : 06-05-2009 at 08:06 AM.
Reason: adding stuff
For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know… we’re not what we’ve seen
For this dance we’ll move with each other
There ain’t no other step than one foot
Right in front of the other
There is nothing wrong with the way that you feel love. You've had a stressful last coupel of weeks, and it isn;t suprised that you wanted to feel needed. Do not blame yourself for that. Honestly, isnt it better to want to be as close as possible rather than wanting to run away from a situation?
I'm sorry I had to leave so early, but if you are wanting to be feel as close next time then please just ask... we love you and we want you to feel as happy as possible.
Every human being requires touch and physical contact. If babies aren't touched early on they die. I think now you might just be going through a needy spell and feel clingy. Soemtimes random things just pop up like that and we're like "what is all this?" And, now this is jsut a suggestion but maybe you actually are developing some slight sexual feelings of wanting to "share" yourself with someone you love, but the idea of sex still scares/upsets you. Wanting to be close to someone you love is a more pure sexual attraction not just "You're hot, let's f*ck" Some of it could also be your body craving the abuse again or something like that, that was programmed into you from childhood. *hugs close* I'm sure you'll figure out the source of it, and it'll be ok. <3
Farewell the Ashtray Girl
July 12, 1987-April 30, 2010
Wanting to be close to someone you love is a more pure sexual attraction not just "You're hot, let's f*ck"
See, I'd define that as romantic attraction, not as a "more pure" sexual attraction. And I know I experience romantic attraction.
It probably is just a "clingy" spell that I'll go through... but I hate being needy, it makes people run away and leave me alone. Or it scares me into distancing myself to prevent it from hurting when people leave, which makes them leave anyway. And I don't want to lose either of them.
Mike, I agree it's better that I want to be close to you than run away, it's just the intensity of neediness scared me.
For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know… we’re not what we’ve seen
For this dance we’ll move with each other
There ain’t no other step than one foot
Right in front of the other
