[darkmystikrose]

I was a coke addict for 3.5 years. I had to leave the state with a friend in order to stop. Its been almost 2 years since I stopped using and it has been a hard two years. I was cutting at the same time, trying to deal with an abusive home life a horrible past and a lot of self hatred about my weight, I was 180 pounds at 5‘4. When I left the state in order to stop using I was 92 pounds.
After I stopped I turned to eating, and am still trying to stop cutting. I am heavy now 240 pounds, and life is still really hard and I feel fat and disgusting, I am always tired. I am finding myself closer and closer to going back. It was my distraction, it was my escape, it was my key to loosing weight and now I feel lost without it, the urges to use are getting stronger and stronger. I had my phone in hand and my ex-dealers number almost dialed... I don’t know what I am looking for...someone who’s been through it? Someone who cares? I don’t know....just writing it down helps i guess....I just feel so......... lost......