i wish i knew what to say but i know how scary this is. do you have any professionals you can talk to? would be helpful to be able to work out a way to say no to physical touch that you don't want. you have every right to say no.
are there any things you can do physically to feel more present that won't harm you? like holding ice, or pushing against a wall as hard as you can. concentrate on what you can feel around you, like clothes and other stuff, and what you can hear and smell. that's all real.
keep yourself distracted, keep talking here too.
i definitely advise you find someone you can trust to talk to. xxx
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