I knew it wasn't going to be any fun
Took a while to get around to it but eventually we got back to my 2nd year ASL instructor and all of that fun stuff. The conversation before hand hadn't exactly been a bed of roses... Feelings crap, what caused me to cry the other day (sob, is more like it)... Moved on to shame and depression and what I said last week when postulating as to what might have made this major depressive episode different than all the rest... Because before I could feel absolutely awful, dead, and still function, still hide it from everyone... And this time I fell apart. He went straight to the teacher hypotheses, totally ignored the other one (I don't remember what it was myself).
I told him most of the story. The teachers history of inappropriate behavior (drinking with students -including buying the drinks- illicit drug use with students -including purchasing the drugs-, coming on to students, etc.), showing up at my apartment drunk, telling folks in the bars I was his girlfriend (!), constantly emailing me on my mobile (from his) saying he was coming over, what was I doing, I didn't answer (was upstairs studying and my mobile was downstairs) and he was worried so he's coming over (uh, teacher student relationship, not the kind where you worry because they don't answer and drop by their apartment!)... I didn't tell him the other part of the evening he showed up drunk... And what's worse, he knew there was something I wasn't telling him... And I got the you don't have to talk to me about it but talking about things helps... There are different degrees of trauma (bless him he was trying to soften it so I didn't scoff, think it was stupid... Like when people say I'm hurting and I scoff and feel disgusted)... I'd like to get more specific in what he said but it was very uncomfortable and I was dissociating a bit... Like being in water and THINKING you may have heard something... He said he'll ask me about it again, in case I thought about talking about it... Really, he did an excelent job, I didn't feel pushed or anything... I DID feel and see his concern which kind of makes me want to cry... And I know he wants me to talk about it, again only out of concern... But I don't want to... It was nothing, for heaven sake! It certainly wasn't a big deal! And he said all the rest of it was traumatic, what's he going to say about this thing that I say is nothing? I mean, I think most of y'all have read what I'm talking about (I don't want to write it again) on the grand scale it's nothing! Seems unfair to call it anything when so many people have had so much worse...
I don't want to.
I hate this.
Sorry for the long post, just me being melodramatic again...