I... I really feel like giving in... Giving into the urge... It has been five months, and I'm so afraid I'm going to ruin it..
Last night my ex [we are still really close friends, we've been apart for almost four months now] informed me that he is engaged. [he's only 17, as is his significant other]
Naturally I did get upset, I do still very much love him. But it's not even just that. Because all I've ever wanted was his happiness.. Just for him to be happy.
But I know this will not end good. He is back with the
boy he was with before me. He broke up with this boy to date me. And when he broke up with me, he told me he didn't love this boy, he knew he didn't. But now, look at that, he is engaged to him.
If it was anybody else. Anybody else at all, I would be happy for me ex. But, this boy, he's cheated on him in the past, and I can't count how many times this boy has talked **** about my ex. And it just kills me to know that my ex is just going to end up hurt. Because once this boy finds some better piece of meat, he's just going to cheat and leave my ex. Leave him shattered in a million pieces.
Now to why this makes me want to give in...
It's just... After he told me, I got upset... And my ex got really upset because he was saying how he "ruined my night" and stuff.. It didn't ruin my night, it upset me yes, but I know he knew it would... And he cut himself.. I tried to stop him, but I wasn't able to.
It... It just all feels like my fault, I know... The few friends I have told this have been trying to get through to me that its not... But... I can't believe them. Because if I had controlled my reaction better, then he wouldn't have gotten upset.. He wouldn't have cut..
The following content has been hidden - Reason : "Triggering...
Its been five months... And I... I just want to.. Want to go deeper than ever... want to feel it again.. see the crimson falling from my pale skin onto the tile of the bathroom floor.
Watch the scar grow over the weeks as the wound heals...
Sorry, that was so long...
