*shrug* No, it was pretty bad. I mean, I suppose therapy wise it wasn't bad... but I hated it.
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Let me see, it started off by me saying that last weeks session had sucked because it was so uncomfortable... I can't remember what exactly about it was so bad but I think I wrote about it earlier anyway.
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Just a bit later it got to the point that I showed him my newest picture (a white board that has been written on with permanent marker so it will not erase, the words won't go away... I'll post it later or something)... I think because that was part of what had been wrong the last session... I didn't want to talk about it all any more, or do anything any more... I just want it to go away, but it won't, it can't...
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One of the things on the white board is a red letter D (the rest of the drawing is black and white), which is in two other drawings, one where it is the only thing on the drawing... (scarlet letter reference) So I had to drag that one out when he asked about the D. And when he saw I had more he asked if he could see them (actually he asked if I was wondering if he was going to ask to see the others... because he was
lol (really, he laughed) and I said that no, I was trying to decide whether or not I was going to offer to show them to him).
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Showing him the drawings really wasn't the worst part. He's the second therapist I've shown and one of four people I've shared them with (two friends, a married couple who were in the psych program here at uni the same time I was... graduated before me though and are in graduate school now). But I wrote discriptions of them on the back so that I would be able to remember what they ment even years later (not that I really think I'll forget). He got to my still life and I couldn't remember exactly what I had been thinking when I drew it and so I told him it was explained on the back... figuring that he'd read it to himself. Instead her read it out loud! Doesn't sound like a big deal but I literally cringed when he did it (he didn't notice because he was reading, thank God). I told him that I wasn't going to tell him about explinations on any of the other ones and he looked up at me in some suprise and asked me if it had been difficult (hard, painful, something like that, I can't remember actually but I'm pretty sure it was difficult) for me to hear it read out loud. When I said that yes it had been he asked me what that was about and I had to telll him I had no idea. Good lord, what a freak am I that hearing my own words describing my drawing would be difficult?! For heaven sake I probably would have said similar things had I been explaining it to him! He was kind enough to look briefly at the picture, show me which one, and then look at it closer as I explained it, bless him.
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He spent a considerable amount of time looking at one picture without showing it to me... and commenting on the drawings in general as well as some other observations... like, it seemes that, with most of the drawings the theme appears to be that of something damaged, broken, something that doesn't work right and that makes me feel... he said something else before he used one of my words ('freak' which I don't like to use but I haven't found a better one yet)but I can't remember what it was. It was humiliating to have to agree. Turns out the drawing he was looking at (I finally asked him after we'd talked a bit as he kept looking at it and not showing it to me) was the one of a microscope... there is a box of prepared slides (you know, with specimins already on them) and some laying on the desk and one on the microscope already. The ones that are out of the box have a little 'inset' I guess you could call it, so that you can see what is on the slide... you can see the picture on my thread in the creative corner (but I believe it's burried some where) on on a slideshow that is on my blog (which I think you can link to from my profile). He used the word 'freak' because it is one of my words and happens to be on one of the prepared slides in the drawing.
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*phew* If your eyes are tired feel free to stop reading... because I'm not quite finished
. Sorry
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Anyway, somehow we got on to why this stuff isn't OK for me and how this last (and longest
) major depressive episode in particular*started because this is the first time I haven't been able to function, that I haven't been able to reign it in and do what needs to be done despite the fact that I feel dull and lifeless. That part (talking about having previously been able to function and press on through my depression... something that I marveled at as I was doing it) really kind of sucked, I think maybe because I*am embarassed that I am now unable to do so... And talking about how this last one started really sucked... because I have a theory, at least as to what may have made it so different... But I don't want to go into it with him because it probably doesn't have too much to do with it... And it could become an uncomfortable conversation very fast.
See, this is the longest episode I've ever had, over a year. It really started to sneak in about two winters ago (so not this last one but the one before)... And by the middle of that summer, at the latest, I had my first experience of being barely functional, despite my best efforts. That year I had an increasingly hard time with my second year ASL instructor. Ice written about it before, he was an awful teacher and that was only when he showed up. I also had a hard time as VP of ASL Club as the president and secretary were set against me (I got the job the other gal wanted). It was one stressful year. The instructor just got worse and so did our relationship. And the point here, what I don't want to talk to my therapist about is when the instructor showed up at my apartment late at night, drunk, and stayed for hours. Not to drag this out any longer there was brief, I'm, *cough* ugh, I don't even want to write it here, hand-to-groin contact (his hand)... And I don't think it was an accident... But that can't have anything to do with it, it wasn't a big deal...
sorry, so stupid...