I have that. And I know why I have it too.
It's because:
- I hate my life and everything about it
- I know I should be grateful for all I have and everything, so I feel guilty for hating my life.
- If someone abused me then I wouldn't have to feel guilty for hating my life because others would see it as a proper reason to feel hate
If that makes sense? I don't know if that is the same for you, as I don't know you.
In the UK, we have the Samaritans website
http://www.samaritans.org.uk/, which "provides confidential non-judgemental emotional support, 24 hours a day for people who are experiencing feelings of distress or despair, including those which could lead to suicide" - you can email to if you have a problem that you can't discuss anywhere else. I don't know if the States has this too, but you can always use the UK one.
Good luck, take care xx