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Diamonds. · 13-07-2008, 09:09 PM

Im sorry im doing this through email, but i just can't talk through voice. I just can't. As you know i am really struggling at the moment, but you just don't know how MUCH i am struggling. Im going to cut it up into sections. (OCD Thing)

Suicide

I wake up every morning and wish i wasent here. I hate waking up, i don't want to wake up at all. I know there is less fortunate people then me, but the way i feel at the moment, i can't see that. I wish my life didn't start in the first place. I am just a depressed wreck.

My Schizophrenia

I hear voices that tell me im an un-worthless bitch who should go ****ing kill herself. I see people, people that REALLY scare me. They threaten to kill me if i tell anyone. The only things that block them out is drinking and music & when i can't see or hear them i still live in fear, in fear that they will get me and kill me or someone i love. I sometimes wet myself cos im that scared. I hate the dark, mirrors or doors, cos thats where i see them the most. Im so desperete.

Sexual abuse

I know you HATE listening to this but i have to tell you. Nathan has wrecked my life. He's killed all the happiness i have left. Sean hurt me, but i still love him. John (Cath's John) use to feel me up. I was raped at 7. Felt up at 17 and felt up at 12! How many more times does my already fragile mind have to go through all of this Jamie?! How many? Before i kill myself.

Im sorry but i had to tell you that.

This is off a site i go on. I wrote this.

I feel worthless when i cut.
But i need to cut.
I always explain to people cutting is my coping mechanisim.
"It stops me commiting suicide" i say.
I stop and think.
I bet none of my abusers are going through the same pain as i am.
I bet they think "I got her, im not bothered".
Sad? Isn't it? Just a bit.
That im going through all this pain.
And they are probably laughing it off?
That once i use to be a happy child.
Now i'm a depressed wreck.
I don't see myself coming out of this cycle of depression and self-harm.
I wonder if i'd be better off dead.
I wonder if i should end it all.
Then maybe i'd be happier in heaven?
But i fear i'd never make it to heaven because of what i do.
I just don't know.
Im so tired.
I can't even think.

Thankyou for reading.

Love you Jamie.

----------------

What d'ya think? I feel stupid sending it.

I want to die.

13-07-2008, 09:09 PM	#1
Diamonds. 04/03/13 <3 Join Date: May 2008 Location: England I am currently:	I wrote this to my uncle. Im sorry im doing this through email, but i just can't talk through voice. I just can't. As you know i am really struggling at the moment, but you just don't know how MUCH i am struggling. Im going to cut it up into sections. (OCD Thing) Suicide I wake up every morning and wish i wasent here. I hate waking up, i don't want to wake up at all. I know there is less fortunate people then me, but the way i feel at the moment, i can't see that. I wish my life didn't start in the first place. I am just a depressed wreck. My Schizophrenia I hear voices that tell me im an un-worthless bitch who should go **ing kill herself. I see people, people that REALLY scare me. They threaten to kill me if i tell anyone. The only things that block them out is drinking and music & when i can't see or hear them i still live in fear, in fear that they will get me and kill me or someone i love. I sometimes wet myself cos im that scared. I hate the dark, mirrors or doors, cos thats where i see them the most. Im so desperete. Sexual abuse I know you HATE listening to this but i have to tell you. Nathan has wrecked my life. He's killed all the happiness i have left. Sean hurt me, but i still love him. John (Cath's John) use to feel me up. I was raped at 7. Felt up at 17 and felt up at 12! How many more times does my already fragile mind have to go through all of this Jamie?! How many? Before i kill myself. Im sorry but i had to tell you that. This is off a site i go on. I wrote this. I feel worthless when i cut. But i need to cut. I always explain to people cutting is my coping mechanisim. "It stops me commiting suicide" i say. I stop and think. I bet none of my abusers are going through the same pain as i am. I bet they think "I got her, im not bothered". Sad? Isn't it? Just a bit. That im going through all this pain. And they are probably laughing it off? That once i use to be a happy** child. Now i'm a depressed wreck. I don't see myself coming out of this cycle of depression and self-harm. I wonder if i'd be better off dead. I wonder if i should end it all. Then maybe i'd be happier in heaven? But i fear i'd never make it to heaven because of what i do. I just don't know. Im so tired. I can't even think. Thankyou for reading. Love you Jamie. ---------------- What d'ya think? I feel stupid sending it. I want to die.
	thank you, Lily, for saving mummy's life*. You are my one and only, you can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight, and you'll be alright.