[Unhappy Nobody]

Hi,

I'm Kat and I'm 27. I feel embarrassed mostly for feeling this way, so late on in life. I feel like I should have sorted myself out by now.

My mother was a junkie, alcoholic and prostitute and she had me and my 2sisters only years apart from 16-18. Obv we had no chance. I am the middle child though and when she only had my older sister she coped as any young first time mother did but when I was born the neglect started and thats when we first went into foster care. Basically allowing me to believe, she didnt want me. I was 3 when she gave us up and I just feel that's long enough to bond with your child...It just reiterates that, she didnt want me and I am unlovable.

I have alot of rejection issues and I can deal with them as I know where they stem from. I understand them.
What I can't understand is the pain inside me. I feel broken all the time and have done since I was 13. I first thought about killing myself at 13 and I havent ever stopped dreaming that I may find enough courage to do it one day. I can go months and feel nothing. I basically shut out the outside world and barely exist. I self harm just to feel something.
Then another era starts and I feel everything, only magnified. I self harm, drink and binge eat just to block things out.
I'm tired of breathing. It hurts too much when I don't know whats wrong with me.

I spoke briefly to my doctor and they prescribed me anti-depressants but they just made me sick. Plus I dont want to rely on pills to be happy. I spoke to a psychiatrist and she was under the impression that I may have blocked out something that my mind can't deal with.
That thought alone scares me too much to even try but I don't know how long I can keep fighting myself. Its an on-going battle just to survive. I'm barely living. I have no-one to turn and no-one to confide in, hence why I am here.

I am trying but I don't know how long I can keep holding on....

Thank you for reading.