I totally understand where you're coming from. I was supposed to see a psychologist but I have developed a phobia of psychology and some of the things you say really strike a cord! When I talked about the past with my old therapist, it left me so disturbed afterwards that Im scared to repeat that with any one else- hence psychology fear. For me, its so bad, every time Ive attempted to go to an appointment, Ive had a severe panic attack and ended up severely harming myself.
It can take a long time for us to understand why we self harm. After all the whole concept is paradoxical. Are there any ways that your counsellor could make it easier for you to explore or discuss? Sometimes Ive got the best results in therapy when Ive been brought to explore something in a round about way rather than going straight for the kill and saying " How does x make you feel?" Would you be able to write out some of your feelings on here and have a little practise? Or could you print off your thread and show her because it explains quite clearly some of the feelings and difficulties you are having? Just some suggestions.
Dealing with the past is never, ever going to be easy for any one. And I applaud you for what you have achieved. Sometimes emotions just get stuck and it can take a while for you to find a way to let them flow. My social worker has always recommeneded to me that if I get those feelings and I can't talk about it, I watch a film or something that will make me cry, any way of releasing those emotions in a healthy manner.
Has any one given you some help to be able to deal with the flashbacks? I think if you go on the Bristol Crisis For Women website, they have a pretty god sheet on coping with FBs.
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