[Scumbelina]

Why is there not a label for 'Rape'? I wasn't 'Sexually Abused' I was raped repeatedly for 5 years - almost every single day. Why should it be watered down by a cutesy, PC umbrella term?

It's all suddenly come up again. I thought I was 'over it' or at least 'dealing with it'. I'm having nightmares. Some **** at my voluntary work made a joke about incest & I cried - I NEVER cry.

I hate the fact that all I hear about is 'Big Brother', why did that not bother me in the first 7 series' but in the last 2 it has done? There's a new series called 'Brothers & Sisters' I'm dreading people talking about it - I'm that fragile.

Why am I remembering things I never have done before?

My counsellor I see for eating problems was talking about how your childhood affects your eating & I had to walk out. I burst into tears & told her everything & I'd only met her a few times.

I don't want to deal with it NOW, I've got too many other things to deal with now.

I'm actually starting to cry about it - I've never cried about it - why now?

It's screwing up my sex life - my mind wanders & all I can think about is 'Him'

I'm supposed to be spending a whole day talking to my CPN about next Friday - I don't know if I can let myself go with her - I don't know what it will un-earth - I'm scared she wont react in the way I want her too.
I want to talk to someone who has actually been through a similar experience. It seems no-body else in the world has been through what I've been through as bad as I've been through. Even the case studies I have read haven't come close describing the things that were done to me.

I'm so angry & bitter & revengeful. I dont think the Police did all they could - I'm pissed off at myself that I didn't remember everything I could've in the interview - I'm angry that I left it so long - I want to kick myself for not just letting go & sobbing to the idiot asking me the questions - why did he have to be a Man? & if I've spent so long trying to suppress everything so how the hell am I supposed to remember what I was wearing & what had he did what with?
And then there was 'what did his Penis look like question' - I chose my 'oh-so-tough' flipant reply of 'It looked like a Penis' - they obviously thought it was a big joke to me. I didn't even get the chance to show them my scarred arms & legs.
I went to the doctors for repeated cystitis when I was little - no-one bothered to investigate that did they? I gave them my diary which was covered in blood but apparently there 'wasn't enough evidence'.

Why didn't I say something sooner? I'm going to regret screwing up my chance of going to court forever.

I want him dead - I want my mother dead for knowing about it & not stopping it - she hasn't even bothered to contact me since the interviews.

I hate myself for being so normal about it. I find it weird that I have a healthy sex life when everyone else that was abused/raped seems to be struggling.

I hate myself for being so weak.