[Becca]

I'm really trying. But they were not best pleased cos I ended up doing 'naughty' things last night to sleep and SI'd before seeing them. It's so hard to explain what is happening and because they have been, frankly, appaulling in the past I'm scared to open up. They wanted me to talk about 'The Event(s)' more but I found it almost impossible.

I am really frightened of ending up with them doing what happened last time. I got told anyone who commited suicide when I was talking to them I was responsible for (I already felt responsible for my friends at that time recent suicide) and they are not there for maladaptive attention seekers. It effected me really deeply, as the night before I'd been thrown out of A&E having gone there really suicidal for 'time wasting' and combined it pushed me further into problems.

They went on and on about going to hospital if feeling bad, but I'm terrifed to do that. I have no-one in RL I can go to if they pull what they did last time and certainly the unlikely factors that kept me alive are impossible now.