Hiya,
*cuddles you gently* Well done for making this post, love, I'm glad you have :) You did so well going straight cold turkey in quitting SI - that's an amazing achievement! I'm sorry that you felt this need to a few months ago, though but maybe you can look at your slip up like this - can you see what triggered you at the time? Do you think you can avoid/deal with the trigger differently if it comes up again next time? What strategies helped you to avoid SI before?
Sometimes answering questions like these can help you see what triggered you and how you can help yourself to not slip up again, but remember that slip ups like the one you had are common in recovery. I hear that you are worried about what others think and how they feel over your scars and I know myself how this feels. Have you tried using Bio-oil on your scars or seeing what other options are available to help them fade? Telling your partner about your SI and showing them your scars can be hard - but taking the time to talk to them about it and maybe even giving them information about it can help a long way. As for telling children - I'm not sure what age you are but by the time you do have children, your scars will likely to have faded well. And that's before your children are old enough to ask exactly what caused them.
If you're feeling the need to see the blood again, have you tried using a red pen to draw on where you want to see it or even scribbling in red pen? I hope some of this has put your mind at rest, love. Stay safe,
xx
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