sorry, this may be the wrong place to post this, but (i know it sounds wierd) this is the forum i feel safest posting in..
a few months ago i got discharged from the 16-19 service cus i turned 19 and they cant work with me past that age...the options i had were to leave therapy or be reffered to adult services, but the thought of going into adult services terrified me so much i didnt turn up to my last few sessions with my psych and just left therapy
because i got discharged from the service and becuase im good at hiding everything going on everyone thinks im loads better, when really im not..im not ok at all
things have slowly been going downhill again. iv become very withdrawn. it sounds horrible but i dread having to see my friends, cus i have to put on this whole im happy and jolly act..and it makes me feel so fake and iv never been a fake person. i just want to be alone
i get extremely anxious and nervy when im near people i dont know...like if i have to go to a shop i need to be in and out as quick as possible and if someone is walking towards me on the street i have to talk to myself to urge myself to keep walking forward. ill only go out nowadays if i have my mp3 with me so the music can drown out the noise of other people.
self harm is constantly on my mind again and iv started taking tablets from around my house and hiding them in my room...i think about suicide so much..and whats worse is it doesnt really scare me, what scares me is failing. all i can think of is i need to get the right timing especially so if i fail i wont see anyone for a while so noone will know i actually attempted.
i either feel complete numbness or everything...i cant cry but i feel so tearful about nothing...i randomly want to cry about nothing but i cant seem to actually cry.
i have really really vivid dreams and often wake up believing them..its horrible. i also have alot of trouble sleeping...it takes me hours to get to sleep and when i am asleep i keep waking up.
im restricting my calorie intake to 500cals a day and trying to do as much excercise as i can.
i sometimes struggle with reality, its hard to explain, but its asthough nothing is real or its all just a dream. i also sometimes feel asthough my life may be a set-up in some way..or that everyone is against me.
i have a voice in my head which tells me im useless and worthless and is only quiet when im destroying myself.
and i dont know what to do....
this is taking over my life and i feel so lost and hopeless..and noone knows
im sorry this post was so long, theres just so much going on in my head right now and i needed to get some of it down somewhere...
i just want it all to go away
