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xbeckyx · 24-06-2008, 08:01 PM

Thanks all of you.

When I'm in an alright mood I can let myself believe people care about me and if they say it they aren't just lying but when I'm like this I think everyone is just pitying me and only being nice because they feel they have to. Maybe logically it's not perfect but I am too scared to think they do care, what if they don''t? What if I let them down? What if they let me down?

I can feel myself starting to stop caring again and everytiome I get like this I end up back in hosp for an OD and as much as I don't wanna wind up back there I don't know if I can control myself. It's horrible knowing I can't even trust myself.

I did tell the psych (it was a diff one to usual), I was honest with her almost completely (which is so hard) but I dunno, the rispiridone helped but I know it's not a long term solution, I was always feeling out of it and if I started to go down it would be a lot quicker =/

I know it's permanent and that after I couldn't live again but I don't know, that seems appealing at the moment. I had a liver function test today and the nurse who did it commented on my arms which are quite bad at the moment which hasn't helped at all. I would of said something but seeing as there was a needle in my arm I didn't feel in a position to complain.

I'm so tired of this. Sick of it hurting to breathe, just to wake up on a morning and know I have to go out and face everyone and pretend I'm fine while all I need is to curl up and be left alone, sick of never believing teh good things people say and jumping on the bad things and repeating them in my head like a taunt, of never knowing if things are real or not, of feeling THIS.

I'm sorry I know I sound pathetic. I can't do this :(

24-06-2008, 08:01 PM	#5
xbeckyx Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: North Yorkshire	Thanks all of you. When I'm in an alright mood I can let myself believe people care about me and if they say it they aren't just lying but when I'm like this I think everyone is just pitying me and only being nice because they feel they have to. Maybe logically it's not perfect but I am too scared to think they do care, what if they don''t? What if I let them down? What if they let me down? I can feel myself starting to stop caring again and everytiome I get like this I end up back in hosp for an OD and as much as I don't wanna wind up back there I don't know if I can control myself. It's horrible knowing I can't even trust myself. I did tell the psych (it was a diff one to usual), I was honest with her almost completely (which is so hard) but I dunno, the rispiridone helped but I know it's not a long term solution, I was always feeling out of it and if I started to go down it would be a lot quicker =/ I know it's permanent and that after I couldn't live again but I don't know, that seems appealing at the moment. I had a liver function test today and the nurse who did it commented on my arms which are quite bad at the moment which hasn't helped at all. I would of said something but seeing as there was a needle in my arm I didn't feel in a position to complain. I'm so tired of this. Sick of it hurting to breathe, just to wake up on a morning and know I have to go out and face everyone and pretend I'm fine while all I need is to curl up and be left alone, sick of never believing teh good things people say and jumping on the bad things and repeating them in my head like a taunt, of never knowing if things are real or not, of feeling THIS. I'm sorry I know I sound pathetic. I can't do this :(
xbeckyx Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: North Yorkshire	See I cannot feel this, not matter how you try and in the real world, there's no goodbyes. Stare at the hands, you know you want to ;). "memento vivere"