[Yellow]

ok...i can write and type but i cant talk. i only say words. i try to make sense but only a few words come at a time. i havent spoken to anyone on the phone because of this. i have the thoughts in my brain but cant transfer them to my mouth without great effort.
this happened to my grandma a few years back. they labelled her as having a "nervous breakdown".
thats how i feel. completely insane. my thoughts get jumbles but in my head i can still make sense of them. i just cant make the right words in order. god...im scared.
it started last night.....it was like someone was in my head blowing up a balloon and they put too much air and it popped.
all these pressures with the kids. Keith's bday coming up(July 1).

this has happened to me once before. i spent 4 months in a mental ward and was granted disability payments. that was 4 years ago. i dont want back in the hospital....i have had a few thoughts of si and OD because im so frustrated at not being able to communicate properly. i dont understand how i can write and type but not talk????

i just want to wake up and be better. its embarrassing and i cant even explain it without writing it down.
there is too much pressure here. chaos sometimes. i feel trapped and closed in. i feel out of control sometimes. i just want to sleep for a long time and wake up with a voice!!!!

im sorry....i know i sound crazy. but this has happened before and it scares me. its like my brain short circuits.

i just wanted to write because i cant talk about it for christs sakes. im really frustrated and scared.
im sorry.
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