Hey,
It sounds like this has really been very traumatic for you - do you have anybody you can talk to about this? It's not uncommon for some of the things you mentioned - like drinking, smoking, getting involved with guys - to be part of a kind of "pleasure binge". A way of trying to make yourself feel better, if you get what I mean? You will be able to feel more "normal" when you get the help you need for the reasons why you started doing this. Could you perhaps ring Samaritans (if you're in the UK) or similar (if you're in any other country), that would be a big step into getting help offline and away from RYL. Stay safe, hun
xx
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