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Alchemyst · 23-05-2008, 08:06 AM

oh god this is so hard to write but somehow I have to pick myself up out of this devastating low. Im the closest Ive been to SI/SU since my daughter was born... I deserve to die a painful death...

things have been really hard at home between me and JG. my resulting stress is sky high with no proper outlet and Ive been marching forwards in the hope that things will get better. sometimes we have glimmers of hope but those glimmers arent enough to offset all the anguish Ive been feeling. throughout all this Ive tried to stay positive around my daughter but recently cracks have been appearing. Ive been short tempered and impatient with her and I feel soo awful about it yet I dont seem able to stop myself.

we are currently having a nightmare at bed time with her. she used to be so good and go down very easily but the last few weeks its taking upwrds from and hour for her to settle into bed, stay there and go to sleep. more often than not she's still awake 90mins after we put her down. Now we have a great bedtime routine... the same one she's been doing for many months now but something's changed and she will not stay in bed or let herself go to sleep. Over and above any frustrations I have with her regarding bed time it has a huge impact on me. I have no personal space or time, im sleep deprived and obviously I cant handle it at the moment.

not that any of that excuses what i did last night....

she was misbehaving and I warned her I was going to smack her if she didnt stop running around and get into bed. she didnt so I smacked her. She laughed and (oh god this hurts so much to write) I smacked her really hard across the back of her thigh. she went quiet and then burst into tears and then laughed. But I knew how hard I smacked her and I was (and am) in floods of tears.

Im so disgusted with myself and I so want to hurt myself.... to exact revenge on myself for my mistreatment of the MOST precious thing in my life... I know that in that second I didnt smack to discipline... I smacked in anger... I hate myself so much... I cant believe that I overstepped that mark...

I always thought I could be a great mum and Ive just undermined the last bit of self-respect I had for myself and proven that Im an unfit mother.....

23-05-2008, 08:06 AM	#1
Alchemyst Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: UK I am currently:	A truly bad mother oh god this is so hard to write but somehow I have to pick myself up out of this devastating low. Im the closest Ive been to SI/SU since my daughter was born... I deserve to die a painful death... things have been really hard at home between me and JG. my resulting stress is sky high with no proper outlet and Ive been marching forwards in the hope that things will get better. sometimes we have glimmers of hope but those glimmers arent enough to offset all the anguish Ive been feeling. throughout all this Ive tried to stay positive around my daughter but recently cracks have been appearing. Ive been short tempered and impatient with her and I feel soo awful about it yet I dont seem able to stop myself. we are currently having a nightmare at bed time with her. she used to be so good and go down very easily but the last few weeks its taking upwrds from and hour for her to settle into bed, stay there and go to sleep. more often than not she's still awake 90mins after we put her down. Now we have a great bedtime routine... the same one she's been doing for many months now but something's changed and she will not stay in bed or let herself go to sleep. Over and above any frustrations I have with her regarding bed time it has a huge impact on me. I have no personal space or time, im sleep deprived and obviously I cant handle it at the moment. not that any of that excuses what i did last night.... she was misbehaving and I warned her I was going to smack her if she didnt stop running around and get into bed. she didnt so I smacked her. She laughed and (oh god this hurts so much to write) I smacked her really hard across the back of her thigh. she went quiet and then burst into tears and then laughed. But I knew how hard I smacked her and I was (and am) in floods of tears. Im so disgusted with myself and I so want to hurt myself.... to exact revenge on myself for my mistreatment of the MOST precious thing in my life... I know that in that second I didnt smack to discipline... I smacked in anger... I hate myself so much... I cant believe that I overstepped that mark... I always thought I could be a great mum and Ive just undermined the last bit of self-respect I had for myself and proven that Im an unfit mother.....
	I got Lei'd in vets