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Falling is easy
falling is easy. falling. failing...each come hand in hand so it seems.
i have a fantastic tendancy to be able to **** Everything up for myself.
Wonderful.
Just as i was beginning to be able to start to think that i might someday be able to cope with everything thats been thrown at me so far, life says ....haha- not this time love!
From thinking i was in a place of safety and ending up with threats to my life, what constitutes to rape- although i hate using that word in the present tense, and then a miscarrige that i've carried almost alone, trying my best not to share with those around me in the thought that it would be better for them if i didn't....and now losing the very thing i was fighting for. I know i've been crap. I am crap...in so many senses of the word, but i've really been trying. Love , or at least the consept of love, the thought that someone cared enough to 'love' me...shattered dreams
I don't expect. Expectation only leads to disappointment, and i know i've been the worst of company... i guess i had the hope that i was worth a few weeks of waiting til i could find my feet...when in reality, i've just proved to myself that i'm not. Happy birthday bec...clever aren't you !
I know i'm a negative person. Generally speaking, things are negative for me, but not due to negative thinking. Despite a lack of expectation, of myself, or anyone else, i do hope, or have recently allowed myself to do so at any rate.... nevertheless....its a **** idea. don't do it - well if you're me , don't... the fact that you're not me, gives you a level of hope to some degree.
Mindless self indulgent rant? probably seems so. even to me as i'm typing i just feel like i'm whining ....but in honesty....i'm broken to pieces. I want to be ok . I want to have hope- in funding , in therapy, in life, in anything at all, but all have let me down- suppose its just the way it goes.
Ordinarily i'd try to pick myself back up again - dust myself off, or at least do my best...which all in all isn't fantastic ...but what is left.
another little one lost. another lap of abuse. another loss of hope.
i'm almost wishing it wasn't so clear to me - what should happen next...but it is
crystal clear, and i don't know when its going to catch up with me , but i know it will.
so whats the prognosis? I don't know. Hours, days? only time will tell
all i know is im totally broken. the past. the present. the lack of future that floods my head when thinking prospectively, if indeed i'm able to...its useless. i'm useless. i can't keep myself together for myself ,and now, clearly, i'm unable to do it for anyone else either.
Things are always rough at this time of year, heading towards my birthday, its a big time of **** even when things are good....
the fact that things are completely awful... well who knows
to be straight..i don't know how long i've got. i don't even know if i'll make it to my birthday. if i'll make it to tomorrow. through the week. anything is too much.
so i type and type and type my life away because there really is nothing else left.
i really have no idea what is to come. i want there to be something...anything..but what is there to hope in when all is lost; dear me, don't i sound melodramatic- how i wish it was that easy to blow away.
all the years have lead to this. all the time. the pain. the trial. the anticipation. the hope. the fear. everything. and now nothing.
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