I have in the past allowed myself to be, and i cant say it any other way, to be ****ed by guys i have had no attraction to, to guys i know i have no future withh, who i know are going to **** me and make their excuses, because it hurts. it makes me feel more guilty then you could ever possibly imagine, it makes me hate myself so much more and it destroys a bit more faith in humanity. after i would do it, i was a mess. a real ****ing mess. and i couldnt hate myself more, which led to punishment.
i dont really like talking about it too much because i feel deeply ashamed of it. there are very few people that i have been with, and its been good. i think only two that i have been with, and every thing felt so right, that i didnt feel guilty or dirty or scared. very very special people indeed.
i am now um-ing and ah-ing whether or not i should post this reply, heh.
eh, its all past tense now. i dont do that to myself any more.
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