oh hun, i totally get what you mean. everything you said describes me. i feel like my entire life is ruled by the memories, and everything else it has caused (depression, ed, ptsd, anxiety, etc). i feel like i have no life, yet they're out there walking around, living normal happy lives, and i'm here suffering the consequences. it doesnt seem fair.
and its so hard, when they're still in your life, and you have to pretend like everythings okay. my nanna took me to one of my abusers place (i havent told anyone about the abuse) and it was so hard to sit there and pretend like everything was okay.
you can overcome all of this, and although it will take time, you can begin to trust people. in time, things will get better hun, you have to stay strong, and continuously tell yourself that you're not going to let this run your life anymore. your in control of your life, and you decide what will affect you and in what way. tell yourself that he isnt going to control your life anymore, you're stronger that he is, and you can beat it. he may have ruined your past, but you're strong enough to not let him ruin your present and future. your life belongs to you. i know you're strong enough to beat this, you can beat him, and show him that although he has hurt you, although he has caused you that pain, you are stronger than him and you wont let him have control.
just take it slow, when talking to your therapist and stuff like that. only talk about what you feel comfortable and ready to talk about. take it slowly, and just let it happen. dont try to force yourself into talking about anything until you're ready.
i hope that things improve. stay strong hun
xxx
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