Originally Posted by
ShyGirlEiana
Can I vent a bit? I know I have a tendency to go on and on, so this will probably end up long and somewhat repetitive - you don't have to read if you don't want :)
I am a Christian, but sometimes I just get so frustrated with how people in the church handle problems like SI, mental illness, etc. I need a friend who's going to stand by me and help me fight, not one that's going to just throw Christian cliches and Bible verses at me. I'm tired of hearing that I just have to believe what God says about me, that I have to find my identity in Him, that I have to turn to and depend on Him, that only He can truly heal me, etc. It may all be true, but sometimes it feels like people just say these things so they feel like they've done their part, they've done all they can do, and now it's up to me to get better. So then if I don't, they don't have to feel guilty, because they tried to help.
I don't need any more cliches and Bible verses. What I need is someone to be there, someone to hold me and let me cry and make me feel safe again. Someone to love me until I can learn to love myself again. Wait a sec - that sounds like something from a poem I wrote last fall - let me find it.
Ah, here it is:
exposed.
here i stand,
stripped of my pretenses,
an open book.
no more masks,
no more walls to protect me,
here i stand before you --
vulnerable.
no more pretending
denying, avoiding...
past hurts are once again fresh,
and i am scared.
i can't do this on my own,
please hold me.
reassure me,
encourage me.
give me strength to do this.
i am walking on the wire,
please,
give me your hand...
don't let me fall!
here i stand before you,
no walls,
no masks,
just me.
will you teach me to love myself?
tell me i am beautiful,
precious?
remind me how much i have to share?
will you tell me until i believe it?
it's going to take some time.
but here i stand before you,
my deepest secrets laid bare...
standing at the edge of the cliff --
i am ready to begin.
When I shared this with people at church, they all assumed that the one I was standing before was God. That's a great interpretation, and I like it, but it was not my intention when I wrote the poem. I wasn't standing before God, I was standing before THEM.
(Hm, I think I wrote about this before too...oh yes, that explains it very well. Long, but I'm going to put it here anyway. If nothing else, having all this together is helping me sort out my thoughts on all this.)
So, yeah...I'm just...frustrated with people at church and my other Christian friends right now. Guess that's all I have to say. Thanks for letting me vent.