He says drunk is no excuse and yes I have told him but when he was still being nasty and angry he said I knew what I was doing, that I went into that pub knowing...tbh I haven't dared bring it up again now we are talking I just want him back, no more arguements with him about it.
I have spoke to him and he knows which is why now he won't even hug or kiss me let alone sleep with me. I guess that shows he cares and doesn't want to hurt me but tbh I have this notion that if we act normal things will be ok...maybe not. I don't want to lose him altogether so friends is better than nothing but I just can't bare being in the same room as him and not being allowed to touch him.
Rent is due tomorrow and I have NOTHING for her, I haven't dared ring her yet, got no clue what to say. I can't move back home I just can't, a lot of my problems stem from living with my parents and now I've left I can't go back. Not only have I lost the only person I have ever truely loved I'm going to lose my freedom and I can't deal with all of it in one go. I want to cut so so badly. I know it won't help me get him back or pay the rent but - I don't even know.
I'm also scared that if I start doing it again he will think it's me trying to force him back, so he has to look after me - and it really isn't like that...everything is such a MESS.
I'm not allowed to be happy. The on time everything goes right all at once and I lose it all at once too. I feel that's proof I'm just not allowed to be happy.
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